A Year Has Passed

     Well, it's just past 8:15 a.m. on Wednesday, October 6.  Mom died a year ago....on Wednesday, October 7, but this year the 'day' is more important to me than the 'date'.  For the past 9 days I've relived those days a year ago, like they were happening for the first time.  I decided on September 28 to read my posts, maybe a mistake.  I think that day was one of the hardest and saddest days of my life.  I still question to this day whether I made the right decision to tell Mom that her cancer was spreading, and talking death to her.  I made the decision to talk to her about it because she always told me she wanted to know exactly what was going on in her body.  But maybe she didn't mean 'everything'.  It seems to me that she 'shut down' after that, not talking as much, not laughing as much, just giving up.  And for that I have no one to blame but me.  If I had it to do again, I wouldn't do it.  It ate at me what she was thinking when she was...thinking.  I can't imagine, and I have no idea since I wasn't in her shoes.  I think, since I experienced that with Mom, that I'd want to know, but I really wish I hadn't told her.  That can't be changed now and I just have to live with it.
     I seemed to do pretty well after losing my precious Mom for about the first six months.  I really thought I was handling it with peace.  It was horribly hard going through Mom and Dad's possessions, the things they loved so much.  Kathy, Krista and I got along perfectly, dividing everything between us.  We laughed, and cried...especially at all of the foot pain remedies we found, understanding just how much Mom's feet hurt her and how hard she tried to make them feel better.  It was hard, but not as difficult as leaving their house, the home Mom loved so much, for the last time.  Tom, Linda, and Jane Sprang purchased it and have been so kind to let us come in, whenever we want, to revisit it. 
     But then the next six months hit and I've really been struggling.  I looked online for help a lot, and found one site that said often the caregiver doesn't feel the loss right away.  That that person feels relieved of the care and 'burden' of having cared for their loved one, and enjoys getting back to their old life.  Well, as much as I loved being home with the boys and Mike, I NEVER saw it as a burden taking care of Mom.  The relief was that I didn't worry each day about her health, I didn't see her worry about 'going down hill' and her sadness from that, and her impending death.  Joan, who works at the Plaza, told me after Dad died that as painful as it was to lose Dad, it is still more painful when you lose the last parent, and and especially when that parent is your mother.  Boy was she right. 
     It was so hard to lose Dad, but immediately I thanked God for the gift of his quick death.  It was how he would have wanted it.  I often worried about how Dad would deal with slowing down, or being ill.  I just could never envision it.  Dad worried all the time about dying.  He didn't want to not be able to do all the things he loved to do, and he didn't want to leave his family.  He told me he wanted to live long enough to see all his grandkids graduate from high school, then adding that he'd also like to live long enough to see Thomas and Rylie graduate, too.  He'd sort of laugh after he said that, figuring that wouldn't happen, but that was what he hoped for.  Dad would have been such a sad patient if he had to be at home all the time.  God was good!!
     I also have to say I don't know how I could have gotten through this past year without my sisters.  It makes me feel so sad for those that have no siblings.  They have been great strength, with complete understanding of how I have been feeling.  I can say ANYTHING to them.  I can laugh with them and cry with them.  THANK YOU GOD FOR KATHY AND KRISTA!
     I have to say that Tina has been just like a sister through this past year.  This was as hard on Tina as it has been on us.  Grandma was like a mom to Tina.  I talked to Tina last night and I told her that her relationship with Grandma was one of only love.  I can't remember a time when there was a negative moment between them.  It was completely a positive and loving relationship.  As a daughter, of course, growing up we had our 'negative' moments....spanking, grounding, hurting, anger, etc....all that a normal parent-child have.  Often grandparents take the role of a parent, too.  But Grandma only loved and adored Tina, as did Grandpa.  She was the 'apple of their eyes', the love of their lives.  And she was a rare granddaughter that treated them always with love and respect.  Never a harsh word from her to them.  Never.  When I went to France for two weeks, she came and stayed with Grandma.  Not many grandkids would do that.  She was always there for her.  There's a special place in heaven for her, too.....many, many years from now.
     The year has passed, with the 'firsts' now over.  The first Thanksgiving, Christmas, Mom's birthday, Mother's Day, my birthday, the boy's birthdays, without her.  Each was an obstacle to get past, but I did.  I know that each 'second, third, fourth, etc.' will always be hard, but hopefully each will also get a little easier with time.  My hardest times are when I shop.  She and I always shopped together until she couldn't go anymore, then whenever I went shopping anywhere, my whole goal was to find something special to bring back to her.  I know that Mom, and Dad, do not want us to hurt.  I know that they are truly in a better place than here on earth, and with all of those that went before them and loving them again, yet still loving us.  Thank you God.