October 14, 2009

It's been a week since Mom died, and I've realized since, how many of you have followed our journey on this little blog with us.  I hope it answered questions, and made you feel a part of our lives, but most of all, I hope you know what a wonderful Mom we had and why it was so easy to want to stay with her through this struggle. 

The thing I take away with me the most, is that Mom kept her sense of humor right up to the end.  I know she did this to make it easier on us, and it did.  There's nothing like laughter to put aside pain, and she didn't want us to hurt.

The last two days were the hardest for me, when she was in a coma, but hopefully, they were the easiest for her.  We were blessed to be by her side when she died, and we are thankful she was able to be in her beloved home.

There are so many of you to thank and I pray I don't leave anyone out. 

The Angels of Hospice.  To Karen, the kind voice who calms us when she answers the phone; Leah, who always got Mom to smile and brought fun into our lives;  Sherry and Karen who gave Mom her most appreciated personal care.  A very special thank you to our amazing and loving nurses, Lisa, Jayme, Cindy and Andrea.  These wonderful ladies have been given a gift, and eagerly share this gift with those in need.  They are a pillar of strength and comfort.  Words cannot express our gratitude for your tenderness, compassion and selflessness.  May God bless you always.

To Joyce Wrasman of Immaculate Conception Church for her daily visits with the Eucharist.  You were  a bright spot in Mom's day, spreading your faith and hope to Mom and our family.

Janet, are we every so blessed to have you as our friend and sister!  We absolutely could not have gotten through this without your help, support and love.

To Emma for the many years you kept Mom's hair looking beautiful.  Mom trusted no one else and enjoyed the times spent with you.

To our many wonderful friends and family members who took time out of their own busy lives to come and visit with Mom, or brought oodles and oodles of delicious food that provided the strength we needed to endure each day.

To all of you who followed Mom's journey on line, those that called, texted, or emailed...you have no idea how much your comments, concern and love helped us get through this difficult time.

To Mike, David and Max...what can I say.  You gave up 'Mom' so unselfishly these past three months so that I could be with Grandma.  You worked so hard to keep our home fires burning, and I bet you have even had enough DQ to last the rest of the year!  Thanks for all the time you spent with Grandma, she treasured every moment.  I couldn't have a more loving and generous family and I love you all so much!

To Tom, Terry and the staff at Schindewolf, Stevens & Stout Funeral Home for their professionalism, warmth and kindness.

And finally, to Father Dinovo.  You truly are a messenger of God.  Your visits meant the world to Mom and we all felt your love and concern when you came.  Thank you for a most spiritual and beautiful service for Mom.

October 7, 2009

This is for David who asked me last night to keep him constantly informed since he's at college.  Hi Hon.

Grandma had a quiet night.  Her breathing is shallow now, and still steady, but seems to be a bit more of a struggle.  I'm sure she's pain free.  I give her the meds through her PIC line every four hours.  We just put a tissue in each of her hands and she folded her fingers around them.  You know that always seemed to calm her to hold a tissue. 

We've told her over and over again, probably to the point where she wishes we would be quiet  =), what a wonderful mom and grandma she's been and how much we all love her.

I'll keep writing the minute anything changes.  Go about your day knowing she loves you and will soon be at peace with God.  I love you!

Grandma's breathing changed about 8:00 this morning.  It was lighter and less stressful.  At 8:15 Grandma started her new life with Grandpa.  She was very, very peaceful.  We are all finding such happiness in the fact that she isn't uncomfortable anymore.

Our journey has ended.  Grandma's is just beginning.

October 6, 2009

It was a restless night for Tina, Krista and me.  We shifted sleeping arrangements all throughout the night and we all slept with one eye open and ears listening.  Every once in a while Mom would ask for ice...meaning ice chips.  Her breathing is heavy, with her chest rising high and lowering to what seems, her back.  It appears steady, and uninterruped to me.  It is the only thing in her body that is, I believe, not compromised.

Today would have been Mom's day to have Emma do her hair, and Emma came and fluffed it up here at her home.  Actually, she came to spend time with Mom and visit with us and....we always love to have her here.

Angel Jayme came and spent time with us talking about Mom and working with her meds to keep her as comfortable as possible.  She's amazed, too, that Mom's hanging on and asked us if we knew of a reason that she might not be wanting to give up.  We really don't, and  Mom has been saying more often now that she's tired and she's ready.  I guess it's just not God's time, yet.

Jayme suggested we keep very quiet around her, saying that sometimes they are leaving, but hear something and then come back.  For the most part today she has rested peacefully, only asking for ice a few times.  When Eddie came with her mail, I tried to wake her so she could see him, but without much luck.

I called Tom at the funeral home this morning and asked if we could get some of the arrangements completed now.  Terry came about 2:00 and we were able to do most everything.  We will just need to take her clothing and firm up the times.  I feel it's a relief to have that part finished.

Aunt Ruth Ann brought us some delicious cinnamon muffins and jello, which, with Aunt Janet's salad made us a real nice lunch.  I told her, as I've said many times in these writings before, I feel bad that there are four 'moms' here and we've not cooked, except for Krista making the nice dinner last Sunday.  But it is so draining going through this, and we're sort of sleep deprived, and cooking seems like such a huge obstacle.  So once again an ENORMOUS THANK YOU to all of our friends and family for their goodnesses to us.

October 5, 2009

Mom isn't going to sit up in bed today like I thought, and hoped, yesterday.  We are nearing the end.

She awoke at 1:00 a.m. and said she had pain in her back, and Krista and I thought we should give her Morphine to make her comfortable.  I had to call the nurse-on-call, Cindy, to understand the correct amount to dispense.  I gave it to her and the rest of the night she spent sleeping, or being nauseated.  She was very upset that I had given her the Morphine and that it was making her sick to her stomach.  She was upset with me, and with the medicine. 

At 8:30 a.m. she once again felt like she was going to vomit, and she did.  It was clear, yet gray in color with specks in it.  I called Hospice and said we need someone to come right away.  Angel Cindy came and administered Haldol through her thigh for the nausea.  Our other angel, Lisa, came shortly after Cindy got here and continued Mom's treatment.  She administered Morphine through her other thigh.  We had noticed some dark spots on Mom's right foot and Lisa confirmed that was mottling.  Her eyes are sunken and dark.  It breaks our hearts to see her like this.  Now she is only waking when she feels like she is going to vomit.

I called Father Dinovo and he'll be here at 2:00 to administer Last Rites.  That's going to be tough.  I remember when he came to the hospital when Dad had his aneurysm, and I realized what he was doing.  It was so sad.  It's like putting the period at the end of the sentence.

Lisa came back to be with us and watch over Mom and gave her more anti-nausea medicine.  She suggested Tina come home now to be with Grandma before she dies.  Lisa told us if Mom vomited again to call her right away.  She wasn't gone long until we had to call her back.  She came with some different anti-nausea medicine.

Father Dinovo came (3:30 p.m.) and when Mom saw him come in, she said, "I know the end is near.  I'm going to take it like a man."  It was really hard for Kathy, Krista and me to hear that and to see Father perform the Last Rites.  A touching, yet painful moment.

As soon as Father finished, Mom got sick again and vomited more than she had before.  Lisa helped her by giving her more Haldol, and Emetrol by mouth.  She is resting peacefully now (4:15 p.m.)

Jeff brought us our favorite macaroni salad, jello and crescent rolls that Aunt Janet made and that was our supper.  We appreciated it!

Aunt Ruth Ann and Uncle Joe came to see Mom.  She looks so pitifully, painfully ill.  When Mom saw them, she said, "I guess the word has spread."  I reminded her that they've come often to see her.  I know it was hard for Uncle Joe, especially, to see her like that.  I saw that it was difficult for him to look at her, but when he was on the front porch, I watched him look at her through the window.  It reminded me of when my grandpa was dying, with Hospice and his children at his side, I just couldn't go in, but I went to the window alone and watched and wept.

Aunt Janet and Annette came in and seeing Mom as she is is such a shock to everyone.  She is changing daily.  Her pallor, the thinness of her face, her sunken eyes, and of course, her beautiful hair has always been perfect is mussed up by the cool clothes we've been putting on her forehead during her bouts with nausea.  When Aunt Janet was leaving and kissed Mom and told her she loved her, Mom looked at her and said, "I'll pray for you from heaven."  That was so hard for Aunt Janet to hear.
Mom's been fighting nausea all afternoon and evening.  Sometimes it's the dry heaves, but she's also had dark watery, as she has always called it...upchuck.

As I sat with her she said she was tired of all of this.  I asked her if she's ready to go be with Dad.  She opened her little eyes and looked at me and said, "Why?  Are you going to shoot me?" and then grinned that little crooked smile!  We all had such a good laugh over that!

Max and Matthew came this evening and both struggled when they saw 'Grandma'.  It's a lot for a young person to grasp and I think it's worse because she has declined so rapidly that everytime they see her, she looks different and much worse.  It's hard for even me to believe, grasp and accept this transformation, and I've been with her every day since her July 7 diagnosis.  We tried to comfort them as much as we could.

About 11:30 p.m. I called Jayme and asked if there was something we could do to help with the nausea and also settle her a little more.  She changed the medicine dosage and as they always do, she offered to come in.  I told her I thought we were okay for the time being.

Krista, Tina and I slept in the living room with her.  She would still wake up and say 'pan' which was our signal that she might be ready to vomit.  As the night went on, she said it less and less, and never 'upchucked' again.

October 4, 2009

This is such a roller coaster ride.  Friday night we thought we would lose Mom in the night.  Yesterday she had a better day.  Last night Mom slept through the night except for waking once.  This morning she seems a little confused again.  Her urine output since yesterday is declining, and she is uncomfortable with an overwhelming feeling that she has to urinate.  BP 111/59 Pulse 52  After she had her Lasix, she began to fill the bag and the pressure she felt was gone.

Aunt Janet and Annette came over and Mom woke up and talked to them for a bit, and went back to sleep as soon as they left.

Krista fixed a wonderful dinner for all of the family. Tina woke 'Grandma' and fed her a few bites of food, and then she went right back to sleep. 

Tina left at 5:00 p.m. for Chicago, and when she has left before, Mom would cry after Tina got out the door.  Today, Tina woke her to tell her she was leaving, she kissed Grandma, and Grandma told her to be careful and that she loved her and she went right back to sleep.  A few minutes later Tina returned for something and we were talking right near Mom and she didn't wake up at all. 

We've been told about the possibility of a coma, and right now that is what I am thinking might be going to happen, but the way things have gone, she might just be awake and better tomorrow.  It is so hard to tell.  But looking at her lying there is so difficult.  Mom has always been so vibrant and full of life.  It was nothing for her to jump in her car four or five times a day to run here and there.  She loved to see people.  She loved to play cards, and send greeting cards.  Now her thin little hands aren't strong enough to hold anything, and her eyes are beginning to blur.  I know she doesn't want to live like this, but I also know she doesn't want to leave us.  And the same goes for us....we don't want to see her live like this, but we don't want her to leave us.

When I think that just four weeks ago we sat for five hours at the county fair so Mom could see and talk to people, I am just shocked at how quickly things have changed.  I guess if you have to have that horrible, heinous, debilitating disease called cancer, and you are incapacitated where the life you have known is no longer, then death would be a gift.  Again, going back to what I wrote several days ago, I'm struggling with bitterness directed at those who may be thwarting a cure, and praying continuously for those working hard at finding one.

October 3, 2009

Max was the first to arrive this morning.   He came to Grandma's right after films.  After I left last night he recovered a fumble and also had a good sack, so he was 'pumped'!

Aunt Janet came early today also.  She brought Mom her church's directory as Mom loves to look at all the pictures in it, and they had a nice visit.

It was a quiet day today, as a matter of fact, for some reason I was completely exhausted today, and I took a three hour nap!  I feel so rejuvenated now!  Thanks girls for taking over!

Mom is seeing things now that aren't there.  She's especially bothered by gnats.  We had a couple of them in the house, but she is seeing them everywhere!  They are driving her nuts!  We just pretend to kill them and tell her that they are almost all gone.  She also 'saw' a man in overalls come up on the front porch.  He was struggling to get up the steps and holding a cane.  She wanted Tina to go to the door, so she did and she told Grandma that he was gone and was probably at the wrong house.

Eddie brought her mail and he knows that Mom loves her cards and always turns them over so she can't see who they are from until she opens them and reads them.  So he hands them to her turned over.  He's so thoughtful.

It's 7:30 p.m. now and Mom's color hasn't been so ashen today.  She hasn't eaten much, just a few bites of things here and there. We spent the evening watching about four hours of old Lawrence Welk shows that we have taped for her.  After the first show was over, Mom said, "Now let's go to the dance."  She explained that a group of Mom and Dad's friends used to get together and watch the Lawrence Welk show and then leave for a dance.  She loves to watch this show, but it makes her really miss Dad and the good times they had together.  She hears a song that brings back memories and she begins to cry, and we as well.  She sits in bed, alert and awake the entire time we watched these shows.  A very sad song at the end was one about wanting a chance to live life again and it upsets her very much.  To me, it's just torture watching her love these shows so much, but hurtfully.

October 2, 2009

Krista said that Mom was a little restless in the night, but not as much as before.  This morning while I was sleeping, Krista put a bow on Mom's head and Mom wanted her to put it back on when I came out.  She still has her sense of humor!

Joyce came early for communion, followed by Lisa.  BP 102/54 Pulse 65  Lisa said she thought Mom was about the same as yesterday.  Next Sherry gave her a bath and we changed her bedding.  She's sleeping right now off and on.  She's became very disoriented as the day went on.

Aunt Ruth Ann brought us a warm loaf of homemade bread and pumpkin brownies that made a great afternoon snack. 

I'm leaving Mom's to go to Max's football game tonight.  As I'm at home getting ready, Kathy called from Mom's and puts her on the phone.  In her very quiet, slow, weak voice, she tells me that a lady from Joel Osteen's Lakeland Church just called her.  She said that the lady, she thought her name to be Mary, said, "Marilyn, I understand you have a mass."  Mom said, yes I have a malignant mass. She asked Mom to put her hand over her mass, and Mom laid her hand over her liver.  Mom said she thought that she had masses all over but that her liver was probably the biggest so she laid her hand over that.   Mary spoke to the liver in prayer, demanding that it leave her body, and leave NOW, and all of the little fingers that grew from it as well.  Mom said she spoke angrily to it.  Mary followed with prayers and told Mom that prayer is powerful and has often cured people of their illnesses.  Mom said she was so shook up just by the phone call that it was difficult to recall everything she said.  She just keeps saying how wonderful the it was that she called.  She said she wishes that she cold have recorded it to replay it, and asked me if I could ask them for a recording of it.  She cried, as I did, when she told me.  It was such a moving and powerful moment.

I continued to get ready to go to Max's football game.  Tina is coming tonight, and will be here to help Krista while I'm gone, and of course, Grandma is always thrilled to see Tina!

On our way to the ballgame which was 85 miles from home, Krista called me and was alarmed at her BP.  It was 84/49.  She continued to take it off and on and it ranged from 84/59 - 94/56 with her pulse around 45-50.  She was making no sense as we talked and was as white as her sheets.  I went on to the ballgame, but I left at half time and Mike got a ride home with Pat.  Thanks Pat! 

On the way home, I was talking to Tina, who was about 10 miles behind me, as she came from Chicago.  She asked me to tell her the truth about Grandma.  I told her since she was this close to Grandma's I'd tell her that she wasn't good at all.  She was so upset and she asked me why I had lied on my blog today that she was doing okay.  I told her that she had taken a turn for the worse just since I had written this morning.  I felt so terrible that she thought I hadn't been truthful, but yet, I could see her point because it shocked us, too, that she got so much worse so fast.  It was a long drive home, and somehow, Tina beat me to Grandma's.

When I got home, I told her that I saw her doctor with his girlfriend at the game.  She told me that I should have told him that he is supposed to wait on her!  She has such a crush on him!  It's cute.

We weren't certain that Mom would make it through the night.  David came to see Grandma and was shocked at how much worse she looked just from Monday.  Tina wanted to stay in the room with Grandma tonight and I know she didn't get much sleep.

October 1, 2009

What a glorious night!  Mom slept completely peaceful the entire night!  Just as a mother does with a newborn, I didn't sleep, except between 2:00 and 4:00, as I lay listening for any sign of a problem.  There were none!!  When I woke up at 4:00 I listened and didn't hear Mom breathing.  I went over and watched and I didn't see the covers move with her breaths.  I put my finger under her nose, and as I did, I accidentally touched her lip and she raised her hand to her lip and looked at me.  I rubbed her cheek and said I was sorry I woke her.  She said, "Did you hear the Lima News just hit the porch?  I worried that it would wake you."  I couldn't believe it.  She made complete sense...and is still worrying about someone else.  Oh, God, I love her so much.

She went back to sleep and I couldn't help but notice how pale and frail she looks.  Every night we think we are nearing the end of our journey, but she does something to rally a bit in the morning.  Her body is defying her, but her mind remains sharp most of the time.

Nurse Lisa came and thought Mom looked 'not as good'.  She said her pulse was weaker and slower.  BP 100/50  I could see concern in Lisa's eyes.  We talked about the fact that Mom's voice is so raspy, and I told her that it gets weaker as the day goes on.  It makes me feel good when Lisa is here and looking after Mom.

Janet came carrying a big basket of goodies to eat and an apple pizza, which Krista immediately dove into!  She knows I like Ray's chicken salad and she brought all the makings for sandwiches, along with nuts, grapes and apple juice...just like a picnic lunch!  She's so sweet, and so helpful.  I bug her constantly about Mom's health and she always tries to answer my zillions of questions the best she can....and she keeps coming back!!  LOL

Joyce brought Mom, and us, communion and then visited for awhile.  She knows all the right words to say.

I was so happy to see Jeanne at the door!  I haven't seen her in too long and she ALWAYS makes me laugh!  Today she made Mom laugh, too, a lot, and that was so good for her!  She came with her famous Yummy Potatoes and chicken wings, and my favorite appetizer...crescent roll ups.  I told everyone how awful they were so I could have them all to myself...but it didn't work.  Krista discovered them!  I even went so far as to hide them in the back of the refrigerator!  Mom likes the rice krispie bars she brought, too.

Mom got a nice surprise today when Fed Ex came with a box of the most beautiful and enormous strawberries from Michelle, Jeff, Jacob and Megan!  They were the freshest strawberries covered in luscious chocolates, nuts and coconuts and DELICIOUS!  Mom really loved them!  Jacob and Megan...you did a GREAT job of picking them out!  Thank you so much!  We love you!

For dinner tonight we sure enjoyed Dede's scrumptious baked spaghetti, garlic bread and salad.  Thanks so much Dede, and to everyone, for all of the kindnesses you are showing our family.  We appreciate everything, and hugs, ears, and tears, too.

In yesterday's Lima paper, there was an obituary of Walter H. Moenter from Delphos.  Mom read it and said, "I hope when I get to the Pearlie Gates, God puts me with Dad and not this guy!"  LOL  (Dad is Walter C. Moenter.)

Mike made up and froze some little DQ cones and Mom had one and a half of them at bedtime.  Actually, Mom stayed awake most all of today!