Mom had another troublesome night last night. Krista was up all night trying to soothe her. Once again, as morning came, she started to sleep comfortably. In the night, however, Mom complained of pain, 'it feels like I'm laying on a broken bone'. Most of what she said in the night didn't make sense.
Mike and I had to take Max to the LMH ER as he was a sick pup. He was dehydrated and has bronchitis and they hydrated him by IV and gave him a bag of antibiotics. He was much better when we left the hospital....5 hours later.
While I was gone, Joyce brought Mom the Eucharist, Sherry, with Hospice,came and bathed Mom and she and Krista changed her bedding. Nurse Lisa came and brought some different medicine for her itching. Mom's urine output is very low. BP 110/50 Lisa was concerned about her lower back pain, her red heels, her mouth sores. We'll have to watch those things closely.
Mike, Mom's mowing friend, came and had a very hard time. I can't begin to say how much Mom thinks of him. I still have a recording on my phone when she called me shortly after Dad died in 2006, and she was crying a happy cry because Mike had told her that she didn't need to worry about mowing, raking, or snow removal. He was true to his word because she never had to call him on anything and he was always there for her. He also fixed little things around her home. This was such a relief, and she appreciated what he did for her so much....and she fell in love with him in the process! Mike not only helps her, he is so kind to her. When I got home from Lima today, Mom told me about Mike's visit and she cried. She loves him tons.
We were going to try and keep Mom awake during the day as much as possible so she would sleep tonight, but we just can't. She sleeps all the time. Maybe this is good, as she's not thinking about things that might upset her.
Father Dinovo stopped to see Mom on his way to his mother's home as she is having surgery tomorrow. While Father was here, Aunt Ruth Ann and Uncle Joe brought Mom a chicken leg from Brunson's and she enjoyed some of that.
When it was time for bed, Krista and I saw Mom start to cry. You have to get close to her now to hear what she is saying, and she said, "I want to go to sleep." We felt like we knew what she was saying and it upset us. Then she said, "I want to go to sleep until morning." I believe she didn't want the restless sort of night that she'd been having. It was my turn on the couch by Mom's bed, and Krista felt like she should sleep in the chair next to Mom. I told her to go to bed as she hadn't had any sleep last night because Mom was so restive. She felt like her legs were tied down, but today we kept the blanket off her legs from her knees down and not having the weight of the blanket helped.
Mom went back to sleep.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
September 29, 2009
It is Tuesday, 1:15 p.m. and she has slept constantly and comfortably since 7:15 this morning except for getting up to have a little success on the commode. I rubbed her back while she sat, and I think I found two more tumors.
Mom slept until Linda came at 4:00. Fast Eddie brought her the mail as he always does, and then Joyce came with communion. Aunt Ruth Ann and Uncle Joe brought pound cake and vanilla pudding and that's what Mom enjoyed for supper.
We were blessed later with a visit from Dede and Jacob with arms full of our dinner for tomorrow! We had a great visit and boy, is that Jacob handsome!
Mom is resting well tonight and I'm going to bed, too.
Mom slept until Linda came at 4:00. Fast Eddie brought her the mail as he always does, and then Joyce came with communion. Aunt Ruth Ann and Uncle Joe brought pound cake and vanilla pudding and that's what Mom enjoyed for supper.
We were blessed later with a visit from Dede and Jacob with arms full of our dinner for tomorrow! We had a great visit and boy, is that Jacob handsome!
Mom is resting well tonight and I'm going to bed, too.
September 28, 2009 A Difficult Day
Karen, from Hospice, was the first to arrive today and gave Mom her bath and changed her bedding. It made Mom feel so good and Karen is so gentle with her.
Joyce came and prayed with Mom and gave her communion. She concentrated on the issue of trust today.
Mike brought Mom some little cups of sloppy joe, coney dog, and shredded chicken to choose from for lunch. She tried a little of each, but wasn't really hungry.
Thank goodness it's Monday so the angels of Hospice will be here. Today is Lisa's turn to be Mom's nurse and she got here about 1:30. BP 110/60. I had to be gone for awhile and when I got back Lisa had left to get Mom a prescription for something to help with the sores in her mouth. Krista filled me in on things and I knew we had a very difficult decision to make.
I asked Lisa to come back in the bedroom to explain to me everything she had told Krista. Lisa said that she feels that Mom has plateaued at this point. Her BP is at a good point and she feels the chemo treatment was what brought her to the point of near death last week. She thinks that it is probably pretty much out of her system. However, she now points out that the cancer is advancing rapidly. That is why we are seeing the new and large tumors, the itching from liver complications, severe weakness, pale color, new agitation, decreased appetite and increase in sleep. It has metastasized.
We talked about the fact that it is increasingly difficult to get Mom from the bed to the commode now. Definitely impossible for one person. I told her that Krista is worried about getting back to work, and that I knew there was a hoist that could lift someone out of bed onto the toilet and asked if we could get that. Lisa said that there is such a thing, but it wouldn't be possible as Mom is too weak, and it has to be on either tile or wood floors. She said if Krista leaves we will need to place her in a nursing home. This crushed me because we know that she never wanted to go back to a nursing home after her stay in one when she had back surgery. It was a horrible experience for her. But then I realized Lisa was talking probably no more than a couple of weeks. Somehow we will keep her here at her home.
I then asked Lisa about being honest with Mom about her cancer spreading. After talking a long time, I decided that it was time to tell her. I talked to Kathy and Krista and they agreed. Mom does NOT want to be bedridden, she's said this so many times before, and if confronting her certainty will make the process move along, then I believe we should do it. Her body is aching from laying on her back all the time. She has a sore spot on the bottom of her spine that hurts her all the time, but it's not an open sore yet. Her legs get so tired and heavy and are beginning to pain her. Her back and legs itch and she can't scratch them. We have to feed her because her little arms just can't lift the spoon. I know she doesn't want to live like this when there is no chance she'll improve. So I know I have to tell her.
Emma comes and she and Krista wash Mom's hair. Ohhhh, Mom loves it so much! Emma rubs and massages her head for a long time and it feels wonderful to Mom. She always had her hair done twice a week because her appearance is so important to her. The last time she had it washed was September 4, over three weeks ago. What a gift this was from Emma! Mom and Dad are Emma's son's godparents so there has been a special bond between them for years. Their love is mutual.
When Emma leaves, I ask the girls to leave also so I can talk to Mom alone.
Now this is the difficult part. I had taken half of a Xanax, just to keep it together so I wouldn't cry and could talk maturely to Mom. I went in and sat next to her bed, held her hand, and said I needed to talk to her about something. She said , "Oh no, not again." I told her that Hospice felt the chemo was pretty much out of her body, and said quickly before she got her hopes up, but your cancer is spreading rapidly. At that point I started to cry....so much for Xanax help. She asked how they know that it's spreading. I told her about the tumors, itching and other things. I can't even articulate on here how hard I was crying. We held hands and I noticed how tight she was holding my hand. I didn't know she had that much strength. I'll always have the vision in my eyes of those little tears running down her cheeks. I laid my head on her chest...so that she could comfort ME. ME, I should be comforting her. But she's my Mom and has always comforted me and I needed that more now then ever. We talked about the fact that it's been 13 years since she was first diagnosed with cancer, a contained tumor in her kidney, and the kidney was removed. We said she's had a bonus 13 years. I reminded her of all the wonderful things we've done in the past 13 years with that added time. Then I talked a lot about heaven. A lot. I told her how I believed it to be and reminded her of those loved ones that have gone before her, especially Dad, that would be waiting on her.
On the back of the Hospice book, Gone From My Sight, is a wonderful story by Henry Van Dyke, and I read it to her. It goes like this...
"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. (I told her that was her.) I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?" I ask.
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming to them, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying."
I will always remember this story and find comfort in it. I hope Mom did, too.
She said that she knew that the cancer was still there. She said she knew something was wrong by the whispers behind her back. I apologized for that but told her it wasn't always about that, that often we spoke quietly so she could rest.
She said she is ready to go whenever God chooses, that it is His will. I told her it would hurt me to think when I see her lying and staring that she might be thinking of something that is frightening. She said no, that won't be what she will be thinking.
I told her that death is not punishment for the dying, but I felt it is for the ones left behind. I reminded her that she is also my best friend. She said that she doesn't want us to cry all the time until it happens. I said we'll still have lots of funny moments and laughter.
Then she started to stare and I asked her what she was thinking. She said she is thinking of some things she wants to be sure are done. I asked her if she'd like to tell me and I'll write them down and she said, yes.
The first thing she said is she'd like Emma to do her hair. I told her I knew that she would. Then she told me how she would like a few things divided up between us. She said she hoped there would be no fighting over things and I assured her there wouldn't be.
Next she said that she didn't want us to spend a lot of money on a casket. She said that it was her and dad's wish to have a little money for the three of us and that with her going now, she was glad she wouldn't eat up all their money.
She told me not to put a new roof on the house now.
She said that she'd like a "Thank You" put in the newspaper to everyone who has been so good to her. We didn't do that for Dad, as we tried to send everyone a personal thank you note, but Mom said it always bothered her that we left someone out and she wants us to do that for her.
I asked her if she wanted to go as for as choosing her clothing and she said yes. I told her that I had thought she might like to wear the black and white jacket she loved so much and she said, "I don't like to see black on dead people." ! We laughed. I told her she always looked beautiful in red and that she loves red so we found a jacket she liked. She was worried it would look too big on her and I tried it on and told her we were about the same size and she thought it looked okay.
Mike came in after we were finished talking, then Krista came home with pizza. Mom ate about 5 bites. She and Krista had a moment together, and then we tried hard to go on with a normal evening.
But I couldn't get it together. I didn't cry in front of Mom anymore, but spent much time in the bedrooms going to pieces. Then I started to doubt whether or not I should have told her. My sisters said I did what needed to be done, Tina, Mike, Janet, Darla and Jeanne also had encouraging words for me. I went to bed, still not sure.
Mom had a fitful night. She was semi-conscious all night and when she'd awake she was very confused. She cried often and said we weren't taking care of her. She thought she was in her wheelchair, tried to get out of bed, completely uncomfortable, legs aching and heavy, and many more things. She finally fell asleep from 4:45 to 6:30 and awoke confused again. She fell asleep about 7:15.
I may think of more things that I'll want to add to this post later.
Joyce came and prayed with Mom and gave her communion. She concentrated on the issue of trust today.
Mike brought Mom some little cups of sloppy joe, coney dog, and shredded chicken to choose from for lunch. She tried a little of each, but wasn't really hungry.
Thank goodness it's Monday so the angels of Hospice will be here. Today is Lisa's turn to be Mom's nurse and she got here about 1:30. BP 110/60. I had to be gone for awhile and when I got back Lisa had left to get Mom a prescription for something to help with the sores in her mouth. Krista filled me in on things and I knew we had a very difficult decision to make.
I asked Lisa to come back in the bedroom to explain to me everything she had told Krista. Lisa said that she feels that Mom has plateaued at this point. Her BP is at a good point and she feels the chemo treatment was what brought her to the point of near death last week. She thinks that it is probably pretty much out of her system. However, she now points out that the cancer is advancing rapidly. That is why we are seeing the new and large tumors, the itching from liver complications, severe weakness, pale color, new agitation, decreased appetite and increase in sleep. It has metastasized.
We talked about the fact that it is increasingly difficult to get Mom from the bed to the commode now. Definitely impossible for one person. I told her that Krista is worried about getting back to work, and that I knew there was a hoist that could lift someone out of bed onto the toilet and asked if we could get that. Lisa said that there is such a thing, but it wouldn't be possible as Mom is too weak, and it has to be on either tile or wood floors. She said if Krista leaves we will need to place her in a nursing home. This crushed me because we know that she never wanted to go back to a nursing home after her stay in one when she had back surgery. It was a horrible experience for her. But then I realized Lisa was talking probably no more than a couple of weeks. Somehow we will keep her here at her home.
I then asked Lisa about being honest with Mom about her cancer spreading. After talking a long time, I decided that it was time to tell her. I talked to Kathy and Krista and they agreed. Mom does NOT want to be bedridden, she's said this so many times before, and if confronting her certainty will make the process move along, then I believe we should do it. Her body is aching from laying on her back all the time. She has a sore spot on the bottom of her spine that hurts her all the time, but it's not an open sore yet. Her legs get so tired and heavy and are beginning to pain her. Her back and legs itch and she can't scratch them. We have to feed her because her little arms just can't lift the spoon. I know she doesn't want to live like this when there is no chance she'll improve. So I know I have to tell her.
Emma comes and she and Krista wash Mom's hair. Ohhhh, Mom loves it so much! Emma rubs and massages her head for a long time and it feels wonderful to Mom. She always had her hair done twice a week because her appearance is so important to her. The last time she had it washed was September 4, over three weeks ago. What a gift this was from Emma! Mom and Dad are Emma's son's godparents so there has been a special bond between them for years. Their love is mutual.
When Emma leaves, I ask the girls to leave also so I can talk to Mom alone.
Now this is the difficult part. I had taken half of a Xanax, just to keep it together so I wouldn't cry and could talk maturely to Mom. I went in and sat next to her bed, held her hand, and said I needed to talk to her about something. She said , "Oh no, not again." I told her that Hospice felt the chemo was pretty much out of her body, and said quickly before she got her hopes up, but your cancer is spreading rapidly. At that point I started to cry....so much for Xanax help. She asked how they know that it's spreading. I told her about the tumors, itching and other things. I can't even articulate on here how hard I was crying. We held hands and I noticed how tight she was holding my hand. I didn't know she had that much strength. I'll always have the vision in my eyes of those little tears running down her cheeks. I laid my head on her chest...so that she could comfort ME. ME, I should be comforting her. But she's my Mom and has always comforted me and I needed that more now then ever. We talked about the fact that it's been 13 years since she was first diagnosed with cancer, a contained tumor in her kidney, and the kidney was removed. We said she's had a bonus 13 years. I reminded her of all the wonderful things we've done in the past 13 years with that added time. Then I talked a lot about heaven. A lot. I told her how I believed it to be and reminded her of those loved ones that have gone before her, especially Dad, that would be waiting on her.
On the back of the Hospice book, Gone From My Sight, is a wonderful story by Henry Van Dyke, and I read it to her. It goes like this...
"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength. (I told her that was her.) I stand and watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.
Then someone at my side says, "There, she is gone!"
"Gone where?" I ask.
Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and she is just as able to bear the load of living freight to her destined port.
Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, "There she is gone!" there are other eyes watching her coming to them, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"
And that is dying."
I will always remember this story and find comfort in it. I hope Mom did, too.
She said that she knew that the cancer was still there. She said she knew something was wrong by the whispers behind her back. I apologized for that but told her it wasn't always about that, that often we spoke quietly so she could rest.
She said she is ready to go whenever God chooses, that it is His will. I told her it would hurt me to think when I see her lying and staring that she might be thinking of something that is frightening. She said no, that won't be what she will be thinking.
I told her that death is not punishment for the dying, but I felt it is for the ones left behind. I reminded her that she is also my best friend. She said that she doesn't want us to cry all the time until it happens. I said we'll still have lots of funny moments and laughter.
Then she started to stare and I asked her what she was thinking. She said she is thinking of some things she wants to be sure are done. I asked her if she'd like to tell me and I'll write them down and she said, yes.
The first thing she said is she'd like Emma to do her hair. I told her I knew that she would. Then she told me how she would like a few things divided up between us. She said she hoped there would be no fighting over things and I assured her there wouldn't be.
Next she said that she didn't want us to spend a lot of money on a casket. She said that it was her and dad's wish to have a little money for the three of us and that with her going now, she was glad she wouldn't eat up all their money.
She told me not to put a new roof on the house now.
She said that she'd like a "Thank You" put in the newspaper to everyone who has been so good to her. We didn't do that for Dad, as we tried to send everyone a personal thank you note, but Mom said it always bothered her that we left someone out and she wants us to do that for her.
I asked her if she wanted to go as for as choosing her clothing and she said yes. I told her that I had thought she might like to wear the black and white jacket she loved so much and she said, "I don't like to see black on dead people." ! We laughed. I told her she always looked beautiful in red and that she loves red so we found a jacket she liked. She was worried it would look too big on her and I tried it on and told her we were about the same size and she thought it looked okay.
Mike came in after we were finished talking, then Krista came home with pizza. Mom ate about 5 bites. She and Krista had a moment together, and then we tried hard to go on with a normal evening.
But I couldn't get it together. I didn't cry in front of Mom anymore, but spent much time in the bedrooms going to pieces. Then I started to doubt whether or not I should have told her. My sisters said I did what needed to be done, Tina, Mike, Janet, Darla and Jeanne also had encouraging words for me. I went to bed, still not sure.
Mom had a fitful night. She was semi-conscious all night and when she'd awake she was very confused. She cried often and said we weren't taking care of her. She thought she was in her wheelchair, tried to get out of bed, completely uncomfortable, legs aching and heavy, and many more things. She finally fell asleep from 4:45 to 6:30 and awoke confused again. She fell asleep about 7:15.
I may think of more things that I'll want to add to this post later.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
September 27, 2009
Isn't she beautiful! This was taken September 6, less than a month ago.
Mom had a restful night. She woke up about 8:30 itching, and when I rubbed cream on her legs, I noticed another lump on her right knee. She said she'll be so glad when the chemo is out of her body and she can start to get better. I reminded her that it took my friend, Pat, a long time but he is fine now. It feels so wrong giving her false hopes, but it's best for her...I guess.
She sleeps pretty much all the time now. She likes to wake up for visitors and then goes right back to sleep.
While I was at Kroger, our favorite ornery friend, Kristy, came over. She is so good to Mom and Mom loves to talk to her. She always cared about Dad and Mom and I think she hurt just about as much as we did when Dad died, and now she's hurting seeing Mom fail. Her heart is a huge, kind one....but don't tell her I said that! LOL
Aunt Janet came next and of course, Mom LOVES it when she comes. When she left, there was a special moment between Mom and her and it meant everything to Mom.
Mom started to itch terribly so we gave her Benadryl and she slept most of mid-day. Joyce called and I told her Mom would probably be sleeping for awhile. I also reassured Joyce that her kind words yesterday were so much appreciated by us. She prays and talks from the heart which is a special gift from God. It's so amazing the time she takes from her own life and day to visit the shut-ins and bring the Eucharist to them. We love her for it.
Amy brought us a pot of her home-picked green beans and we ate them with Darla's wonderful chicken tetrazzini. Oh my, we are being spoiled! Yummy Yummy!
Uncle Joe came in and talked to Mom a minute. I want to remember to tell him that Mom keeps telling the story that when she was little, every night when she would see the first star, she would wish..."Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight, I wish I may, I wish I might have a baby brother." She goes on to tell how someone came to their house and told her she had a baby brother. Now...she was 11 years old and did NOT know her mother was pregnant. She knew her aunt was pregnant but her mother had hid it and kept it a secret. So she kept telling that lady that it wasn't HER mother, it was her aunt who had the baby. The lady insisted it was her mother and Mom said when she realized that she REALLY did have a baby brother, she was the happiest little girl in the world! She just told that story to our priest this week! She is crazy about Uncle Joe!
Jeff came later and Mom looks forward to talking to Jeff because he's easy to talk to and always fills her in on the latest news. She misses hearing what's going on since she's at home all the time. He has always been very special to Mom.
Good ole Janet, my buddy, came for a nice long visit tonight. Janet's a nurse so we bombarded her with medical questions that we expected her to have all the answers for. And she keeps coming back!!! Poor girl. She makes Mom smile and Mom loved it that she called her "Mom". Janet's been there for us through all of this and Mom feels like she's another daughter. We all love her!
Janet noticed the lump at Mom's neck, knee and throat. She feels the cancer is invading. She's amazed, however, at her mind and how alert she is and she thinks she looks pretty good, except for her skin color. She thinks, and this is just her opinion, that she'll go into a coma eventually.
Leah from Hospice brought a bunch of smiles and laughter also today.
We had a nice full day with visitors, family, and good food, and now Mom's sleeping.
I want to take time to say THANK YOU also to all of you who take the time to call or text me, Mom, and my sisters with well wishes, support and love. Also thank you for all the cards to Mom. It is a bright spot in her day when the world's best mailman pops right into the house and hands Mom her mail. We are all blessed to have you in our lives.
September 26, 2009
Mom had very little urine output overnight. I don't like the weekends because our angels of Hospice aren't around. I know they would be here if we need them, but they need their time off, too. I just miss them.
Joyce brought communion and at the end of her prayers she prayed that Mom would have a comfortable and easy death. We all looked at each other because that's the first time anyone has actually mentioned 'death' to Mom. After Joyce left, Mom chuckled and said, "Everyone thinks that when you have Hospice that you are dying!" That shows, in spite of her failing health, she is still hopeful.
There is something new. A large lump on the front right side of her clavicle. I'd describe it as the size of 1/2 of a golf ball. We'll have the nurse check it out Monday.
Emma, Mike, David, Max and Lindsay came. Max and Lindsay are going to their first BGSU football game! They're excited. And even more excited that we are letting Max apply at BGSU since Lindsay was accepted there!
Jayme called from Hospice to check on Mom. Kris took Mom's BP and it was 95/48, its getting lower. Jayme told us to call at anytime we need them, at any hour, over the weekend.
Tina, Kris and I were able to get Mom to the commode next to the bed, but for the first time, I wasn't sure even the three of us together could get her back to bed. It was a struggle and we nearly had to just lift her over, and everywhere we touched her caused pain. Every day I don't think it will get worse, and it does.
After we got Mom back to bed, Tina took Thomas and Rylie to a movie to get them out of the house for awhile. They have been angels sitting so good here in the house all week, and this was their first badly needed outing. I'm so glad they got to get away for awhile and do something fun!
Mom slept all afternoon and nearly missed Aunt Ruth Ann and Amy's visit, but woke just as they were leaving. They got to visit a few minutes before they left so Mom could go back to sleep.
Another one of our angels, Annette, brought us a full delicious dinner for us....hot out of the oven. She brought a cheesy chicken casserole, my favorite broccoli casserole, roles and brownies. She tried to burn my hand off when she handed me the HOT broccoli dish, and I told her that if I had known it was my favorite thing she makes I would have let it burn to the bone just so I wouldn't drop it....but I quickly handed it back to her because she had hot mits. I'm sure my hand will heal nicely in a year or so. Just kidding, Annette!! Mom enjoyed a few bites of each dish.
Just when we think we've been spoiled enough and more than we deserve...Darla comes with Tetrazzine and my favorite "Darla Bars", ready to put in the oven for our dinner tomorrow. You would think with all of us here that we could cook our own meals, but it seems we're always busy with things, and fortunate to have visitors, and frankly, too exhausted to cook.
Darla has been so much comfort and help to me. She lost her dad similarly nearly a year ago and is so good to talk to me about what might happen and prepare us for the days ahead. I know it's difficult because it reminds her of those painful days with her dad, but she's there for me and I love her for it.
Mom had the surprise visit of Jon, Jason, Amy, Davey, Breanna and Kaylynn tonight and they brought her a chicken leg from Brunson's! She ate a few bites of it and a few bites of the Darla Bars, too.
Mom took her meds about 9:30 and is asleep hopefully for the night.
Joyce brought communion and at the end of her prayers she prayed that Mom would have a comfortable and easy death. We all looked at each other because that's the first time anyone has actually mentioned 'death' to Mom. After Joyce left, Mom chuckled and said, "Everyone thinks that when you have Hospice that you are dying!" That shows, in spite of her failing health, she is still hopeful.
There is something new. A large lump on the front right side of her clavicle. I'd describe it as the size of 1/2 of a golf ball. We'll have the nurse check it out Monday.
Emma, Mike, David, Max and Lindsay came. Max and Lindsay are going to their first BGSU football game! They're excited. And even more excited that we are letting Max apply at BGSU since Lindsay was accepted there!
Jayme called from Hospice to check on Mom. Kris took Mom's BP and it was 95/48, its getting lower. Jayme told us to call at anytime we need them, at any hour, over the weekend.
Tina, Kris and I were able to get Mom to the commode next to the bed, but for the first time, I wasn't sure even the three of us together could get her back to bed. It was a struggle and we nearly had to just lift her over, and everywhere we touched her caused pain. Every day I don't think it will get worse, and it does.
After we got Mom back to bed, Tina took Thomas and Rylie to a movie to get them out of the house for awhile. They have been angels sitting so good here in the house all week, and this was their first badly needed outing. I'm so glad they got to get away for awhile and do something fun!
Mom slept all afternoon and nearly missed Aunt Ruth Ann and Amy's visit, but woke just as they were leaving. They got to visit a few minutes before they left so Mom could go back to sleep.
Another one of our angels, Annette, brought us a full delicious dinner for us....hot out of the oven. She brought a cheesy chicken casserole, my favorite broccoli casserole, roles and brownies. She tried to burn my hand off when she handed me the HOT broccoli dish, and I told her that if I had known it was my favorite thing she makes I would have let it burn to the bone just so I wouldn't drop it....but I quickly handed it back to her because she had hot mits. I'm sure my hand will heal nicely in a year or so. Just kidding, Annette!! Mom enjoyed a few bites of each dish.
Just when we think we've been spoiled enough and more than we deserve...Darla comes with Tetrazzine and my favorite "Darla Bars", ready to put in the oven for our dinner tomorrow. You would think with all of us here that we could cook our own meals, but it seems we're always busy with things, and fortunate to have visitors, and frankly, too exhausted to cook.
Darla has been so much comfort and help to me. She lost her dad similarly nearly a year ago and is so good to talk to me about what might happen and prepare us for the days ahead. I know it's difficult because it reminds her of those painful days with her dad, but she's there for me and I love her for it.
Mom had the surprise visit of Jon, Jason, Amy, Davey, Breanna and Kaylynn tonight and they brought her a chicken leg from Brunson's! She ate a few bites of it and a few bites of the Darla Bars, too.
Mom took her meds about 9:30 and is asleep hopefully for the night.
Friday, September 25, 2009
September 25, 2009
Krista woke me at 5:30 and said that Mom was itching all over and very uncomfortable. Doesn't she go through enough without the itching and the mouth sores. Those two things really upset me for her. I gave her one of her relaxing pills and she went to sleep.
Chris came and shortly after she got her, Joyce came to give Mom communion. Joyce didn't stay because she could see that Mom needed her rest.
Nurse Lisa came and Mom's BP was 106/58. She said her breathing sounded good.
Next, Karen from Hospice came to bathe her and, once again, another angel in Hospice. She was so kind and gentle with Mom as it hurts Mom to just touch her. We changed her clothes and bedding and she said it felt so good.
Krista fed her about half of a donut and gave her her morning medicine.
Aunt Janet came and visited, and we were surprised to see Sheriff George in the late afternoon. He makes everyone laugh, even bringing a smile to Mom.
After George left, Mom slept most of the evening and all night, except for waking because of her itching so we gave her a Benadryl, and her legs were spasming. She looks so pale.
Chris came and shortly after she got her, Joyce came to give Mom communion. Joyce didn't stay because she could see that Mom needed her rest.
Nurse Lisa came and Mom's BP was 106/58. She said her breathing sounded good.
Next, Karen from Hospice came to bathe her and, once again, another angel in Hospice. She was so kind and gentle with Mom as it hurts Mom to just touch her. We changed her clothes and bedding and she said it felt so good.
Krista fed her about half of a donut and gave her her morning medicine.
Aunt Janet came and visited, and we were surprised to see Sheriff George in the late afternoon. He makes everyone laugh, even bringing a smile to Mom.
After George left, Mom slept most of the evening and all night, except for waking because of her itching so we gave her a Benadryl, and her legs were spasming. She looks so pale.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
September 24, 2009
Mom slept well last night with the help of medication. She doesn't have near the alertness today that she had yesterday. Lisa came to check her out - BP 102/50. She didn't have anything much to tell us except the BP was lower and her voice a little weaker. She is wonderful in the way that she talks to Mom, always knowing the right thing to say.
Joyce came and gave her communion in the afternoon. She seems to be very drowsy today and weak in voice and in spirit. Its so hard to see her this way. It makes me wonder what tomorrow will bring. Will she have a better day like she had yesterday, or continue to go downhill.
Tonight when I got into bed, I really struggled with anger over cancer. The thousands and thousands of lives that have been affected by this horrible disease. They can get a vaccine for the H1N1 disease within a year of the breakout, but cancer has been around since Hippocrates in the 400's BC, with millions, probably billions of dollars raised by compassionate and loving people, some that have been touched by the disease and some that have not, and still no discovery, no vaccine, no cure. I don't understand it. There are all the rumors of why there is no cure...the selfishness and greed of the pharmaceutical and medical professions, but I want to believe that it would not be humanly possible to put those things before helping the millions of families affected by this terrible disease. It has touched nearly EVERYONE, I'm sure including those with the power in those professions, so I can't imagine that is the case. So I'm just going to continue to pray that someone, somewhere, very, very soon will discover what is needed to eliminate cancer.
Joyce came and gave her communion in the afternoon. She seems to be very drowsy today and weak in voice and in spirit. Its so hard to see her this way. It makes me wonder what tomorrow will bring. Will she have a better day like she had yesterday, or continue to go downhill.
Tonight when I got into bed, I really struggled with anger over cancer. The thousands and thousands of lives that have been affected by this horrible disease. They can get a vaccine for the H1N1 disease within a year of the breakout, but cancer has been around since Hippocrates in the 400's BC, with millions, probably billions of dollars raised by compassionate and loving people, some that have been touched by the disease and some that have not, and still no discovery, no vaccine, no cure. I don't understand it. There are all the rumors of why there is no cure...the selfishness and greed of the pharmaceutical and medical professions, but I want to believe that it would not be humanly possible to put those things before helping the millions of families affected by this terrible disease. It has touched nearly EVERYONE, I'm sure including those with the power in those professions, so I can't imagine that is the case. So I'm just going to continue to pray that someone, somewhere, very, very soon will discover what is needed to eliminate cancer.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
September 23, 2009
It is funny....Mom sleeps most all the time, and through all the visits, except when Joyce from church is here. She lights up then and is alert, smiling, talking a little more. I told Joyce this and she said she thinks it is the Eucharist, but I think it is also her.
Em, Martha and that squeezable little Quintin came and Emma talked to Mom about freshening up her hair. I know it would feel so good to her, but I also realize it would be a little stressful for her. She didn't think she could have it done right now. Emma is so good to Mom.
A little later Mom mentioned that maybe she could eat salmon patties. Tina and Kathy went to the store to get what Kris needs to make them. When Mom thinks something sounds good....we JUMP to get it for her because it doesn't happen very often. Each day you can see her get thinner. Her beautiful little cheekbones and pretty hands show it the most.
Martha returned with a container of Brunson's mac & cheese that Mom likes so well. A couple of bites of that was her lunch.
Sherry from Hospice came and gave mom a wonderful bath and we changed all her bedding. She should sleep so comfortably now!
Cindy, the Hospice nurse, came and checked mom out. BP 118/58 She thought she seemed better today than yesterday. She talked to us out on the porch about the possibility of bleeding from her mouth or rectum and the seriousness of that, and again stressed her liver problems. I know they just try to cover everything so we know what possibly to expect and aren't shocked when something happens. Mom's stools moved and there was blood in them but Cindy felt it was from straining.
Father Dinovo visited for awhile and left about 5:00, and Mom finally fell asleep. Krista fixed dinner and David even made Jello for his own birthday dinner and brought it. LOL
Jessie brought us her DELICIOUS SCRUMPTIOUS pumpkin roll!! As great as it was to get that, it was even better to see Jess! She is such a doll and so thoughtful. Mom has always loved Jess and was real happy to see her and get to visit with her a little.
Mom ate half a salmon pattie, a little bit of potatoes and four green beans, and then a thin slice of pumpkin roll! She is better today than she was yesterday, but the nurses remind us that she is still terminally ill and it is a day to day process and that things can change very rapidly.
Mom got very antsy and uncomfortable so we gave her a pill that Hospice had given us. When I kissed her goodnight and told her I love you, she said "I feel your love". Krista and I both had a strange feeling that something might happen to her tonight. But Mom is sleeping peacefully now, probably, and hopefully, for the night.
Monday, September 21, 2009
September 22, 2009
Happy Birthday Krista!
I have to go back to last night. After our 'Good Night's' and 'I Love You's', I could hear Mom crying. I went over and asked her why she was crying and she said, "Because you are so good to me". This is not because everyone else isn't good to her, it's because she worries so much that she is taking me away from my family. Mike and the boys have been so supportive during this time and it's where I want to be and am blessed that I am able to be here, and that's what I told her.
Then she said through her tears, "I'm fighting to the end, but I have a pretty good feeling I'm losing this battle." I just rubbed her face and told her I was so proud of her. It was such a heart breaking moment. I told her I was very much at peace with death and that God will be waiting on her, as will Dad, her parents, and many friends, and she said, "and Jerri and Jug". She has missed them so much.
Then she said she wished there was some way she could communicate with me when she's gone. So we discussed a signal that we would have between us. She said she wouldn't know how that could work but I told her....it will, and she smiled.
She rested for a few hours but then was very restless in bed. She said her whole body itched and she just couldn't stand it anymore. She said she is so tired of being in the bed , and she is ready to go now. I gave her a Phenergan that Dr. Cole gave her for itching, rubbed lotion on her arms and feet, and she still couldn't settle down. At 6:30 I called Mike to come in so I could sit her up, wash her, put powder on her back, and put on a clean blouse, and scoot her up to a more comfortable position in bed.
It's almost 8:30 now and she's sleeping. I left a note on the door to Joyce that Mom would be asleep this morning. I know Joyce will understand.
She is still not having a lot of urine output, but to me, her breathing sounds good. I can see that she is getting thinner and thinner. I hope Hospice comes today. I think I need them daily now.
It's 9:00 and Mom is so uncomfortable. I called Hospice and spoke with Cindy and she is coming to the house. I took the note off the door to Joyce because we need her. When she got here I met her on the porch and was extremely upset and she was so comforting. Cindy also came with a hug. Cindy checked Mom over and noticed so many bruises on her legs and arms. When I thought about it, Mom shouldn't have new bruises because she's not moving and bumping into things. Her BP 128/52. I went out on the porch and talked to Cindy quite awhile. She said she is real concerned about the bruising. She said it could indicate liver failure. I noted that her BP was good and she said it could drop rapidly. I told her I wasn't sure what to tell Krista in Chicago and she suggested she come now. She said it could be 2 hours, or 2 days, but was imminent.
Krista is on her way, she left immediately. I feel horrible that today is her birthday and she has to face this. Joyce reminded me to tell her, or David (tomorrow is his birthday), not to remember losing Mom/Grandma on their birthday, but to think of her going into God's glorious heaven to be with our loved ones we've lost. I think that is awesome. But that's Joyce...she has such a way with God's word it's amazing. That's why I knew we needed her today.
Kathy came right over when I called her. Aunt Ruth Ann, Aunt Janet and Charlene came and visited for a short time. Today Charlene said that she and Mom have been friends for 50 years. I know our families shared wonderful times together growing up, and Mom loves her, too. It's hard, though, at this point for Mom to stay awake to visit. AJ said she could see a difference in Mom for the first time. Once again, Eddie, the mail carrier, brought Mom her mail and he always comes in and hands it to her. He knows that she doesn't like to see who it is from before she reads the cards, so he hands her the cards upside down! He is the BEST! He cried again as he left.
When Krista got here Mom felt like she had to have a bowel movement. We tried the bedpan, but it was too painful for her so we got her up on the bedside commode. While she sat there we quickely changed all her bedding. She didn't have any success, but got to lay back down in a nice fresh bed.
Krista got here at 3:00 and it was a surprise to Mom. She told Mom she wanted to come and spend her birthday with her. I don't know if she bought that or not...but I know Mom is happy she is here. Krista said she sees a huge difference in Mom just from Sunday. It's hard not to see the change, as it changes almost hourly.
I knew what I wanted Mom to wear for her burial so I got that together today and checked with the girls to see if it was okay with them. It is just too inconceivable to be doing this. Sometimes it just seems like I'm walking around in a fog.
Annette came over today and we're always happy to see her as she's funny and makes us laugh and forget things for awhile! A little later Linda came by just to check on Mom.
Mom sleeps all the time now. She opens her eyes for a moment, sometimes says things that show confusion, but often says things that amaze us at her memory. I think that is a blessing for her.
We ordered pizza in and Mom ate five bites of it which was quite a bit for her, but Kris had to feed her.
Lisa called later and we talked quite a while. She feels that Mom is in liver failure. The bruising and itching is a result of that. She said since the tumor is where her kidney used to be, it most likely has invaded the liver and is spreading quite quickly. We talked about what to look for and expect. She said unconsciousness is inevitable but that we need to know that hearing is the last sense to go. She said to talk as we always do, and let the little ones talk, laugh, and have fun, as Mom will be listening, but unable to respond. I mentioned that she was having a few muscle spasms, and she said that is normal near the end. Her restlessness and fidgeting is, too. I asked her how long she might lay after she is unconscious and she said usually in older people, it's not too long.
Tina and the kids got to Grandma's at 2:00 a.m.
I want to thank all of you again who are leaving beautiful and inspiring comments and emails. Right now I don't have time to thank you individually, but PLEASE know that we all THANK YOU for your kind words and love you for them. You are what keep us going through these tough days.
I have to go back to last night. After our 'Good Night's' and 'I Love You's', I could hear Mom crying. I went over and asked her why she was crying and she said, "Because you are so good to me". This is not because everyone else isn't good to her, it's because she worries so much that she is taking me away from my family. Mike and the boys have been so supportive during this time and it's where I want to be and am blessed that I am able to be here, and that's what I told her.
Then she said through her tears, "I'm fighting to the end, but I have a pretty good feeling I'm losing this battle." I just rubbed her face and told her I was so proud of her. It was such a heart breaking moment. I told her I was very much at peace with death and that God will be waiting on her, as will Dad, her parents, and many friends, and she said, "and Jerri and Jug". She has missed them so much.
Then she said she wished there was some way she could communicate with me when she's gone. So we discussed a signal that we would have between us. She said she wouldn't know how that could work but I told her....it will, and she smiled.
She rested for a few hours but then was very restless in bed. She said her whole body itched and she just couldn't stand it anymore. She said she is so tired of being in the bed , and she is ready to go now. I gave her a Phenergan that Dr. Cole gave her for itching, rubbed lotion on her arms and feet, and she still couldn't settle down. At 6:30 I called Mike to come in so I could sit her up, wash her, put powder on her back, and put on a clean blouse, and scoot her up to a more comfortable position in bed.
It's almost 8:30 now and she's sleeping. I left a note on the door to Joyce that Mom would be asleep this morning. I know Joyce will understand.
She is still not having a lot of urine output, but to me, her breathing sounds good. I can see that she is getting thinner and thinner. I hope Hospice comes today. I think I need them daily now.
It's 9:00 and Mom is so uncomfortable. I called Hospice and spoke with Cindy and she is coming to the house. I took the note off the door to Joyce because we need her. When she got here I met her on the porch and was extremely upset and she was so comforting. Cindy also came with a hug. Cindy checked Mom over and noticed so many bruises on her legs and arms. When I thought about it, Mom shouldn't have new bruises because she's not moving and bumping into things. Her BP 128/52. I went out on the porch and talked to Cindy quite awhile. She said she is real concerned about the bruising. She said it could indicate liver failure. I noted that her BP was good and she said it could drop rapidly. I told her I wasn't sure what to tell Krista in Chicago and she suggested she come now. She said it could be 2 hours, or 2 days, but was imminent.
Krista is on her way, she left immediately. I feel horrible that today is her birthday and she has to face this. Joyce reminded me to tell her, or David (tomorrow is his birthday), not to remember losing Mom/Grandma on their birthday, but to think of her going into God's glorious heaven to be with our loved ones we've lost. I think that is awesome. But that's Joyce...she has such a way with God's word it's amazing. That's why I knew we needed her today.
Kathy came right over when I called her. Aunt Ruth Ann, Aunt Janet and Charlene came and visited for a short time. Today Charlene said that she and Mom have been friends for 50 years. I know our families shared wonderful times together growing up, and Mom loves her, too. It's hard, though, at this point for Mom to stay awake to visit. AJ said she could see a difference in Mom for the first time. Once again, Eddie, the mail carrier, brought Mom her mail and he always comes in and hands it to her. He knows that she doesn't like to see who it is from before she reads the cards, so he hands her the cards upside down! He is the BEST! He cried again as he left.
When Krista got here Mom felt like she had to have a bowel movement. We tried the bedpan, but it was too painful for her so we got her up on the bedside commode. While she sat there we quickely changed all her bedding. She didn't have any success, but got to lay back down in a nice fresh bed.
Krista got here at 3:00 and it was a surprise to Mom. She told Mom she wanted to come and spend her birthday with her. I don't know if she bought that or not...but I know Mom is happy she is here. Krista said she sees a huge difference in Mom just from Sunday. It's hard not to see the change, as it changes almost hourly.
I knew what I wanted Mom to wear for her burial so I got that together today and checked with the girls to see if it was okay with them. It is just too inconceivable to be doing this. Sometimes it just seems like I'm walking around in a fog.
Annette came over today and we're always happy to see her as she's funny and makes us laugh and forget things for awhile! A little later Linda came by just to check on Mom.
Mom sleeps all the time now. She opens her eyes for a moment, sometimes says things that show confusion, but often says things that amaze us at her memory. I think that is a blessing for her.
We ordered pizza in and Mom ate five bites of it which was quite a bit for her, but Kris had to feed her.
Lisa called later and we talked quite a while. She feels that Mom is in liver failure. The bruising and itching is a result of that. She said since the tumor is where her kidney used to be, it most likely has invaded the liver and is spreading quite quickly. We talked about what to look for and expect. She said unconsciousness is inevitable but that we need to know that hearing is the last sense to go. She said to talk as we always do, and let the little ones talk, laugh, and have fun, as Mom will be listening, but unable to respond. I mentioned that she was having a few muscle spasms, and she said that is normal near the end. Her restlessness and fidgeting is, too. I asked her how long she might lay after she is unconscious and she said usually in older people, it's not too long.
Tina and the kids got to Grandma's at 2:00 a.m.
I want to thank all of you again who are leaving beautiful and inspiring comments and emails. Right now I don't have time to thank you individually, but PLEASE know that we all THANK YOU for your kind words and love you for them. You are what keep us going through these tough days.
September 21, 2009
I woke Mom up about 8:30 to get ready for Joyce's visit. She seems a tiny bit mixed up, but otherwise alert. I notice that her urine output has decreased. When Joyce came with communion, she brought Mom a beautiful yellow rose from her garden. That is Mom's favorite color of rose!
Last night I told her something that we were not to find out about until November. This morning she said she thought I told her that because she wouldn't be here in November. I said, "No....I just thought I'd let you in on a scoop!" She smiled.
Jayme, the nurse from Hospice just left. Mom's BP 118/64 - good. Lungs sound good. Because I'm worried about getting Krista here in time, I asked her if she had any idea of what we should expect. She said unless something unforeseen comes up, Mom should be okay for a few days. She said she will begin to be disoriented, and sleep more. She said people can often live quite long with no food. She gave us the book, Gone From My Sight, to read in hopes it might answer some of our questions. Jayme came back a little later with a different bedside potty and a bedpan. They are all so helpful, kind and caring at Hospice. I've always heard that about Hospice, but now that we are experiencing it, I am completely in awe of them.
Kathy sat alone with Mom while I did the laundry and she said Mom said she wished God would give her a sign as to when she will be going. Kathy told her that He would and not to worry about that right now.
The only food that sounds good right now to her is cold food. She thinks it's because of all the sores in her mouth. Hospice is going to bring her a rinse for her mouth to help with the sores. It's something that Scarbrough Pharmacy in Findlay makes. For lunch she had a tiny chocolate ice cream cone and ate it all! She is sleeping a little more during the day, and I am grateful for that. Less time to think.
At 3:30 she felt like she wanted to go to the bathroom. Matt & I got her into her w/c and she was able to get on the toilet with just a little help. She sat for quite awhile, until she just couldn't sit any longer, but without success. We got her back in bed and she rested.
Two of Mom's dearest friends called her today. I asked if she was able to talk to them and she wanted to. Velma has been Mom's very best life-long friend and she loves her dearly. I believe their friendship goes back to grade school. Penny and Mom have shared many fun times together over the years...lots of craft shows and shopping, and she loves her, too.
Bobbie came and visited with us for a nice long time again. She is always so much fun to have around and Mom loves her! Mike, David and Max came and they had fun giving Bobbie a hard time, but believe me, she can hold her own and dish it back! Mom was getting a kick out of all of it!
As soon as Bobbie left, Toni, Mom's neighbor, came over and was another ray of sunshine for Mom. Toni said she had thought of working with Hospice and she would be wonderful! She has such a fun and friendly personality. Mom loved visiting with her.
It's bedtime now. I gave Mom two little eclairs to eat before she took her pills. She ate them both. Now she's going to sleep again.
I know I keep saying how Mom loves her friends and family, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She values each and everyone of them and I think, because of the enjoyment and love she gets from talking with, or being with them, it makes it hard for her to think of leaving them.
Although she did pretty good assisting us in getting her up for the bathroom, I feel she seems weaker today. Her voice seems weaker, she hasn't talked as much, and she slept a lot more. As I look at her laying in her bed now as I'm working on this I see how frail she is and think of how precious she is.
Last night I told her something that we were not to find out about until November. This morning she said she thought I told her that because she wouldn't be here in November. I said, "No....I just thought I'd let you in on a scoop!" She smiled.
Jayme, the nurse from Hospice just left. Mom's BP 118/64 - good. Lungs sound good. Because I'm worried about getting Krista here in time, I asked her if she had any idea of what we should expect. She said unless something unforeseen comes up, Mom should be okay for a few days. She said she will begin to be disoriented, and sleep more. She said people can often live quite long with no food. She gave us the book, Gone From My Sight, to read in hopes it might answer some of our questions. Jayme came back a little later with a different bedside potty and a bedpan. They are all so helpful, kind and caring at Hospice. I've always heard that about Hospice, but now that we are experiencing it, I am completely in awe of them.
Kathy sat alone with Mom while I did the laundry and she said Mom said she wished God would give her a sign as to when she will be going. Kathy told her that He would and not to worry about that right now.
The only food that sounds good right now to her is cold food. She thinks it's because of all the sores in her mouth. Hospice is going to bring her a rinse for her mouth to help with the sores. It's something that Scarbrough Pharmacy in Findlay makes. For lunch she had a tiny chocolate ice cream cone and ate it all! She is sleeping a little more during the day, and I am grateful for that. Less time to think.
At 3:30 she felt like she wanted to go to the bathroom. Matt & I got her into her w/c and she was able to get on the toilet with just a little help. She sat for quite awhile, until she just couldn't sit any longer, but without success. We got her back in bed and she rested.
Two of Mom's dearest friends called her today. I asked if she was able to talk to them and she wanted to. Velma has been Mom's very best life-long friend and she loves her dearly. I believe their friendship goes back to grade school. Penny and Mom have shared many fun times together over the years...lots of craft shows and shopping, and she loves her, too.
Bobbie came and visited with us for a nice long time again. She is always so much fun to have around and Mom loves her! Mike, David and Max came and they had fun giving Bobbie a hard time, but believe me, she can hold her own and dish it back! Mom was getting a kick out of all of it!
As soon as Bobbie left, Toni, Mom's neighbor, came over and was another ray of sunshine for Mom. Toni said she had thought of working with Hospice and she would be wonderful! She has such a fun and friendly personality. Mom loved visiting with her.
It's bedtime now. I gave Mom two little eclairs to eat before she took her pills. She ate them both. Now she's going to sleep again.
I know I keep saying how Mom loves her friends and family, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. She values each and everyone of them and I think, because of the enjoyment and love she gets from talking with, or being with them, it makes it hard for her to think of leaving them.
Although she did pretty good assisting us in getting her up for the bathroom, I feel she seems weaker today. Her voice seems weaker, she hasn't talked as much, and she slept a lot more. As I look at her laying in her bed now as I'm working on this I see how frail she is and think of how precious she is.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
September 20, 2009
Carmalea got here around 9:30 and in true form, she dug right in and helped. She brought a pineapple upside down cake and it was real good...even if she didn't make it herself! She is the BEST cook ever and I was going to give her credit for making it since it was good, but she admitted she didn't! LOL
Joyce from church came after Mass this morning and we received communion and she had a good conversation with Mom. Joyce had tears when she left and said that Mom had touched her life and she found it difficult, too, to see Mom like this. Joyce truly is a saint to us and to Mom.
Aunt Janet stopped after church and visited for awhile. Mom is always happy to see her.
Mom is so bright and alert. Nothing gets by her. I'm sure she is hearing the whispers going on in the other rooms and I wonder what she is thinking. We try to be very careful about doing that, but we're always talking to each other, questioning each other, supporting each other, and it can't be helped. Mom still is talking about having a future. I have the hardest time with that. It breaks my heart. Today she sent Tina to WalMart to pick up a blanket for her bed. The one on the hospital bed is a queen size and she said that would be to heavy for her to carry back to her bedroom when she gets well.
Aunt Ruth Ann, Amy, Emily & Adelynn came and the girls stayed here to play with Thomas and Rylie while Amy went home and made us homemade potato soup, with all the ingredients from her garden, and homemade bread.
She surprised us again and wanted to go into the bathroom. Although she didn't have success, it gave me a chance to bathe her again. Mom has a terrible odor and I thought bathing her would help get rid of it. I washed her everywhere trying to scrub that odor away, but it's still there. The girls changed her bedding. Tina and I got online and read that the odor is coming from her pores as her body shuts down.
As I said, I have the hardest time when Mom talks about her future and getting better. Tonight she asked me if she should drink some of the fruit drink that Hospice brought her to help get her strength back. She has sores in her mouth and was afraid it might irritate the sores, but she wants to get strong again. I told her to wait until tomorrow to see how her mouth feels....then I went to the back of the house so I could cry. My heart aches so much for her.
Again, her urine was very clear today so I don't think she is bleeding internally. She was restless this evening and even with her helpful pill. She finally went to sleep for the night around midnight and slept well.
Joyce from church came after Mass this morning and we received communion and she had a good conversation with Mom. Joyce had tears when she left and said that Mom had touched her life and she found it difficult, too, to see Mom like this. Joyce truly is a saint to us and to Mom.
Aunt Janet stopped after church and visited for awhile. Mom is always happy to see her.
Mom is so bright and alert. Nothing gets by her. I'm sure she is hearing the whispers going on in the other rooms and I wonder what she is thinking. We try to be very careful about doing that, but we're always talking to each other, questioning each other, supporting each other, and it can't be helped. Mom still is talking about having a future. I have the hardest time with that. It breaks my heart. Today she sent Tina to WalMart to pick up a blanket for her bed. The one on the hospital bed is a queen size and she said that would be to heavy for her to carry back to her bedroom when she gets well.
Aunt Ruth Ann, Amy, Emily & Adelynn came and the girls stayed here to play with Thomas and Rylie while Amy went home and made us homemade potato soup, with all the ingredients from her garden, and homemade bread.
She surprised us again and wanted to go into the bathroom. Although she didn't have success, it gave me a chance to bathe her again. Mom has a terrible odor and I thought bathing her would help get rid of it. I washed her everywhere trying to scrub that odor away, but it's still there. The girls changed her bedding. Tina and I got online and read that the odor is coming from her pores as her body shuts down.
As I said, I have the hardest time when Mom talks about her future and getting better. Tonight she asked me if she should drink some of the fruit drink that Hospice brought her to help get her strength back. She has sores in her mouth and was afraid it might irritate the sores, but she wants to get strong again. I told her to wait until tomorrow to see how her mouth feels....then I went to the back of the house so I could cry. My heart aches so much for her.
Again, her urine was very clear today so I don't think she is bleeding internally. She was restless this evening and even with her helpful pill. She finally went to sleep for the night around midnight and slept well.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
September 19, 2009
Frank, Lindsay, Thomas and Rylie came this morning and I could see the smile in Mom's eyes when she saw them. Thomas and Rylie are her pride and joy! Mom always likes to see Frank, and as for Lindsay, she's here so much Mom gets a kick out of her!
Frank and Tina went to the Farmer's Market and brought home all kinds of homemade goodies...and my favorite cinnamon rolls! Mom ate a few bites of roll and then fell asleep.
Joyce came with communion and visited with Mom. When we walked out to her car, Joyce said that Mom is at peace with this. I asked if she actually said she knew she was dying and Joyce said...not in so many words but Joyce knew that Mom is ready.
Lindsay and Max came and plotted today's Ada adventure and took off. David brought DQ for lunch.
Chris stopped again and sat beside Mom and they talked. Mom is exceptionally quiet today. When Chris left, she was surprised, as are many, at how good Mom seems.
Mom slept this afternoon and I, too, took a very much appreciated nap. Then Emma came with her adorable grandson, Quintin. I know Mom enjoyed watching him as he is such a smiling cutie!
As soon as Emma left, Father Dinovo came. He had a small, yet poignant service of prayer for Mom and we all received communion again. He is a kind and caring man that we all think so much of.
Danny arrived after a seven hour trip here. His GPS took him a long way out of his way to get here and he was whipped.
Next came Janet with a full meal for all of the hungry caregivers!! Lasagna, salad, garlic bread, cookies, and even candy! We attacked that delicious meal with a vengeance! I've never seen so many people in Mom's kitchen before!
Mom felt like she could get up and use the bedside toilet, so between Kris, Janet and me, we were able to get her on it and she had success! There was no blood in her stool.
Today was a full day of talking, laughter, family and friends. Mom never seemed overwhelmed by any of it and seemed to enjoy every minute. Tonight we are feeling optimistic because there was no blood in her urine or stools and she was able to get out of bed and sit on the commode, BP 124/64. Janet said much of her problem this week might have been from the chemo treatment she had last week, but she also reminds us that the cancer still lives in her but may not be as ravaging as we once thought. As she says, time will tell.
Frank and Tina went to the Farmer's Market and brought home all kinds of homemade goodies...and my favorite cinnamon rolls! Mom ate a few bites of roll and then fell asleep.
Joyce came with communion and visited with Mom. When we walked out to her car, Joyce said that Mom is at peace with this. I asked if she actually said she knew she was dying and Joyce said...not in so many words but Joyce knew that Mom is ready.
Lindsay and Max came and plotted today's Ada adventure and took off. David brought DQ for lunch.
Chris stopped again and sat beside Mom and they talked. Mom is exceptionally quiet today. When Chris left, she was surprised, as are many, at how good Mom seems.
Mom slept this afternoon and I, too, took a very much appreciated nap. Then Emma came with her adorable grandson, Quintin. I know Mom enjoyed watching him as he is such a smiling cutie!
As soon as Emma left, Father Dinovo came. He had a small, yet poignant service of prayer for Mom and we all received communion again. He is a kind and caring man that we all think so much of.
Danny arrived after a seven hour trip here. His GPS took him a long way out of his way to get here and he was whipped.
Next came Janet with a full meal for all of the hungry caregivers!! Lasagna, salad, garlic bread, cookies, and even candy! We attacked that delicious meal with a vengeance! I've never seen so many people in Mom's kitchen before!
Mom felt like she could get up and use the bedside toilet, so between Kris, Janet and me, we were able to get her on it and she had success! There was no blood in her stool.
Today was a full day of talking, laughter, family and friends. Mom never seemed overwhelmed by any of it and seemed to enjoy every minute. Tonight we are feeling optimistic because there was no blood in her urine or stools and she was able to get out of bed and sit on the commode, BP 124/64. Janet said much of her problem this week might have been from the chemo treatment she had last week, but she also reminds us that the cancer still lives in her but may not be as ravaging as we once thought. As she says, time will tell.
September 18, 2009
Mom ate a whole donut for breakfast this morning, and for lunch a couple of bites of a hot dog sandwich for lunch. David brought her a milkshake but she couldn't drink it. She feels bad that she is wasting food.
Joyce came from church to give Mom communion. Joyce is so good to Mom and Mom always appreciates her visits. She is going to come more often now.
Mom needed to go to the bathroom and it took Kris, Tina and I to get her there. As she sat there, she got weaker and weaker and couldn't hold her head up. I let her rest her head in my hand until she was finished. Mom had a bowel movement but there was bright blood in her stool. I gave her a sponge bath, which she said felt real good, then we carefully got her back in the bed and knew that she couldn't get out of the bed again.
I called Hospice and told them about the blood in her stool, and her increased weakness. I can also tell that there is blood in her urine. Lisa said she'd be out soon, and she was. BP 108/48 She said that we should keep Mom comfortable and agreed that she shouldn't get up. Mom is concerned about having a bowel movement in bed but Lisa assured her we would take care of it without a problem.
I walked out with Lisa when she left so we could talk more in depth about Mom. She gave us the book "A Different Season" to read. She said that she was bleeding internally and that is why we are seeing the blood in her stools and urine. She could hear the rumbling of blood in her stomach.
I told her that Krista and Tina didn't know whether they should go home on Sunday. She said, "I wouldn't. I'd move mountains to be able to stay at this time as her days are numbered." Of course, I asked the obvious, yet impossible to answer question...how long. She said, "maybe by Sunday, but if not, certainly by the first of the week." She explained that Mom is shutting down rapidly. I realize this especially when I think that last Sunday, Kris and I left her alone for a few hours to go to the fair and she walked out to the kitchen alone and got herself something to eat. That was just six days ago. Today she is bedridden, with a catheter, and weak as a kitten, as Mom would always say. I told Lisa that we didn't know whether to tell her or not that she wasn't going to get well. She said that we'd have to make that decision and referred us to the book she gave us again. I said I felt that she'd go faster and Lisa said that might be true. She said that if there were out of town family members, they should be called in. Krista called Frank and he, Lindsay, Rylie and Thomas left for Kenton.
While we were standing on the porch talking to Lisa, Eddie went in and gave Mom her mail, also Aunt Ruth Ann and Aunt Janet came to see her. I left shortly after that for Max's football game in Toledo.
All I thought about during the trip there and back, and the game, was whether or not we should tell Mom. On the way home, Mike said, "I don't want to interfere, but I don't think you should tell her. Just let her go to sleep." I think that's right and what we should do.
ARA and Uncle Joe came to visit Mom in the evening and I know she really enjoyed that. Kris and Tina said that Mom's heels began to hurt and she became a little restless. When I got home she said that she was feeling very antsy and I could see it in her eyes, so I gave her half an Lorazepam and she rested well all night.
Frank, Lindsay, Thomas and Rylie got to my house about 11:30 p.m.
Joyce came from church to give Mom communion. Joyce is so good to Mom and Mom always appreciates her visits. She is going to come more often now.
Mom needed to go to the bathroom and it took Kris, Tina and I to get her there. As she sat there, she got weaker and weaker and couldn't hold her head up. I let her rest her head in my hand until she was finished. Mom had a bowel movement but there was bright blood in her stool. I gave her a sponge bath, which she said felt real good, then we carefully got her back in the bed and knew that she couldn't get out of the bed again.
I called Hospice and told them about the blood in her stool, and her increased weakness. I can also tell that there is blood in her urine. Lisa said she'd be out soon, and she was. BP 108/48 She said that we should keep Mom comfortable and agreed that she shouldn't get up. Mom is concerned about having a bowel movement in bed but Lisa assured her we would take care of it without a problem.
I walked out with Lisa when she left so we could talk more in depth about Mom. She gave us the book "A Different Season" to read. She said that she was bleeding internally and that is why we are seeing the blood in her stools and urine. She could hear the rumbling of blood in her stomach.
I told her that Krista and Tina didn't know whether they should go home on Sunday. She said, "I wouldn't. I'd move mountains to be able to stay at this time as her days are numbered." Of course, I asked the obvious, yet impossible to answer question...how long. She said, "maybe by Sunday, but if not, certainly by the first of the week." She explained that Mom is shutting down rapidly. I realize this especially when I think that last Sunday, Kris and I left her alone for a few hours to go to the fair and she walked out to the kitchen alone and got herself something to eat. That was just six days ago. Today she is bedridden, with a catheter, and weak as a kitten, as Mom would always say. I told Lisa that we didn't know whether to tell her or not that she wasn't going to get well. She said that we'd have to make that decision and referred us to the book she gave us again. I said I felt that she'd go faster and Lisa said that might be true. She said that if there were out of town family members, they should be called in. Krista called Frank and he, Lindsay, Rylie and Thomas left for Kenton.
While we were standing on the porch talking to Lisa, Eddie went in and gave Mom her mail, also Aunt Ruth Ann and Aunt Janet came to see her. I left shortly after that for Max's football game in Toledo.
All I thought about during the trip there and back, and the game, was whether or not we should tell Mom. On the way home, Mike said, "I don't want to interfere, but I don't think you should tell her. Just let her go to sleep." I think that's right and what we should do.
ARA and Uncle Joe came to visit Mom in the evening and I know she really enjoyed that. Kris and Tina said that Mom's heels began to hurt and she became a little restless. When I got home she said that she was feeling very antsy and I could see it in her eyes, so I gave her half an Lorazepam and she rested well all night.
Frank, Lindsay, Thomas and Rylie got to my house about 11:30 p.m.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
September 17, 2009
Mom woke up all bright-eyed today! How wonderful! She ate a couple little cookies as she took her morning medicine. A little later she ate half a sloppy joe sandwich from the DQ! Mike's been great about coming by with all kinds of fattening treats for all of us! Mom needs them....I don't! LOL
Lisa from Hospice came and checked her over. BP 110/52. Lisa got the ball rolling on getting a hospital bed here for Mom. After Lisa left, Kris and Tina helped her into the bathroom and she had success there! Mom mentioned that there was blood in the toilet, but she flushed it before we got to see.
They brought the bed about 4:30 and we put it in the living room. Mom has changed about so many things throughout this ordeal. She was so opposed to having a hospital bed in her living room, yet she agreed willingly to it, knowing it would help comfort her.
Annette came over today...a bright spot in Mom's day. Annette always adds laughter and picks everyone up! She's a doll.
This evening she had another bowel movement and this time I saw it. There were clots and bright blood. I know this isn't good.
I feel so sad for Mom because she loves her home so much, loves the pretty way she has it arranged and decorated, has it JUST how she wants it. I hate that we have to rearrange her things. I want to keep it looking like she has always loved it. I went to Wal-Mart with Tina and felt like my heart hit rock bottom. I can't get the look on Mom's face out of my mind as they brought the bed in and things changed. Yet, she didn't say a word. I just want things to go on...quietly...like they have always been, with the subtle changes unnoticeable. I want her to feel comfortable. I want her to feel 'at home'.
I want to thank all of you who are reading this and sending such wonderful, warm, wishes and prayers to Mom and our family. YOU are who keep us going through all of this. I LOVE YOU ALL!
Lisa from Hospice came and checked her over. BP 110/52. Lisa got the ball rolling on getting a hospital bed here for Mom. After Lisa left, Kris and Tina helped her into the bathroom and she had success there! Mom mentioned that there was blood in the toilet, but she flushed it before we got to see.
They brought the bed about 4:30 and we put it in the living room. Mom has changed about so many things throughout this ordeal. She was so opposed to having a hospital bed in her living room, yet she agreed willingly to it, knowing it would help comfort her.
Annette came over today...a bright spot in Mom's day. Annette always adds laughter and picks everyone up! She's a doll.
This evening she had another bowel movement and this time I saw it. There were clots and bright blood. I know this isn't good.
I feel so sad for Mom because she loves her home so much, loves the pretty way she has it arranged and decorated, has it JUST how she wants it. I hate that we have to rearrange her things. I want to keep it looking like she has always loved it. I went to Wal-Mart with Tina and felt like my heart hit rock bottom. I can't get the look on Mom's face out of my mind as they brought the bed in and things changed. Yet, she didn't say a word. I just want things to go on...quietly...like they have always been, with the subtle changes unnoticeable. I want her to feel comfortable. I want her to feel 'at home'.
I want to thank all of you who are reading this and sending such wonderful, warm, wishes and prayers to Mom and our family. YOU are who keep us going through all of this. I LOVE YOU ALL!
September 16, 2009
Mom got up in the night at 4:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom. I took her by w/c to the front bathroom and she did fairly well. Tucked her back in bed and when I went into her room about 7:30 a.m. she was awake and her back was hurting her. She was able to get up, go to the bathroom, and to her chair, where she fell asleep.
Aunt Ruth Ann came about 9:30 to visit and I went to the grocery while she was there. Kathy came while I was gone. ARA brought Mom watermelon and she ate 4-5 bites of it. Mike came shortly after lunch and brought her a piece of chocolate pie and she ate 3-4 bites of that.
Next, the Hospice social worker came and visited with Mom for about an hour. Mom rested until about 3:00 and then awoke and needed to pee. I knew she couldn't get to the bathroom this time, as I could tell she was weaker, so I brought the commode next to her chair. It was extremely difficult to get her up and onto the potty chair. After she finished, I was completely unable to get her up off the chair. Thank God, Chris N., walked in the back door...at just the perfect time! Together, we were able to get her back into the chair.
I could see that Mom was getting weaker by the hour. She was absolutely freezing and shaking. I had four layers of blankets on her and she was still cold. I wrestled with whether or not I should call Krista and what I should say. I don't want to run her here from Chicago if it isn't necessary. I called her though and she and Tina left to come here.
Aunt Janet and Jeff came over to visit with Mom, followed by Emma and Linda. We had quite a houseful and it made Mom feel so good to have visitors!
Janet came to the house about 6:00. We tried to get Mom up to the toilet beside her chair and it was next to impossible. We got her down and then got her back into her chair but with much difficulty. She said that Mom was burning up with fever. We took her temp with two different thermometers, and one was 100.9, the other 100.6. Janet said to give her Tylenol.
Janet suggested we call Hospice to get a catheter for Mom. I got Hospice on the phone and gave the phone to Janet so she could explain Mom's condition with her expertise. About 8:00 p.m. Jayme came and she and Janet inserted the cath while Mom stayed in her chair. Mom was helpful to the girls as they worked on her.
Mom went to sleep and slept peacefully throughout the night. Janet and I visited until she left at 1:00. Krista and Tina arrived at 2:00 a.m. It was wonderful to have them there....wonderful.
Aunt Ruth Ann came about 9:30 to visit and I went to the grocery while she was there. Kathy came while I was gone. ARA brought Mom watermelon and she ate 4-5 bites of it. Mike came shortly after lunch and brought her a piece of chocolate pie and she ate 3-4 bites of that.
Next, the Hospice social worker came and visited with Mom for about an hour. Mom rested until about 3:00 and then awoke and needed to pee. I knew she couldn't get to the bathroom this time, as I could tell she was weaker, so I brought the commode next to her chair. It was extremely difficult to get her up and onto the potty chair. After she finished, I was completely unable to get her up off the chair. Thank God, Chris N., walked in the back door...at just the perfect time! Together, we were able to get her back into the chair.
I could see that Mom was getting weaker by the hour. She was absolutely freezing and shaking. I had four layers of blankets on her and she was still cold. I wrestled with whether or not I should call Krista and what I should say. I don't want to run her here from Chicago if it isn't necessary. I called her though and she and Tina left to come here.
Aunt Janet and Jeff came over to visit with Mom, followed by Emma and Linda. We had quite a houseful and it made Mom feel so good to have visitors!
Janet came to the house about 6:00. We tried to get Mom up to the toilet beside her chair and it was next to impossible. We got her down and then got her back into her chair but with much difficulty. She said that Mom was burning up with fever. We took her temp with two different thermometers, and one was 100.9, the other 100.6. Janet said to give her Tylenol.
Janet suggested we call Hospice to get a catheter for Mom. I got Hospice on the phone and gave the phone to Janet so she could explain Mom's condition with her expertise. About 8:00 p.m. Jayme came and she and Janet inserted the cath while Mom stayed in her chair. Mom was helpful to the girls as they worked on her.
Mom went to sleep and slept peacefully throughout the night. Janet and I visited until she left at 1:00. Krista and Tina arrived at 2:00 a.m. It was wonderful to have them there....wonderful.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
September 15, 2009
I knew that I had to call Dr. Cole this morning, but I didn't anticipate what all would come to be. I spoke to Amanda, the chemo nurse, and told her that Mom had gotten extremely weak over the weekend. That I was taking her by w/c to the bathroom, and it was even difficult to get her from the chair to the toilet. I also mentioned that she isn't eating much. I told her that what I really wanted to know was is this from the chemo, or the disease. She said that it was probably a combination of both, but that the chemo shouldn't have caused her to be that weak in itself. She was going to talk to Dr. Cole and call me back.
Amanda called and said that Dr. Cole said I could either bring Mom into her office today, or have our local Hospice come to the home and evaluate her. Hospice. There is that name that confirms the end is probably near. Thank God I was back in Mom's closet so she couldn't hear the sobs. I got myself together and asked Mom which she wanted to do. She said she didn't feel like going to Dr. Cole's office and it was fine if Hospice came to evaluate her for Dr. Cole.
I called my dear friend, Karen, at Hospice. It was wonderful to hear her friendly voice answer the phone as I was so nervous and upset, and I knew she'd understand. Karen connected me to Andrea, a nurse, and I explained Mom's situation to her. Andrea said that if Dr. Cole was going to continue treatment, then Mom wasn't a candidate for Hospice. She suggested I call Dr. Cole and talk it over with her.
I called Amanda again at Dr. Cole's office and told Amanda that I just didn't know what to do. I told her what Andrea at Hospice had said and that I needed to know if Dr. Cole thought Mom should continue chemo treatments. She was going to talk to Dr. Cole and call me back.
Amanda called and said that Dr. Cole said that they were going to stop the treatments. That answered my question. Now I had to tell Mom.
I thought I had myself together, went out to the living room where Mom was sitting...and went to pieces. I told her the news wasn't good. Dr. Cole is going to stop her treatments. I told her that she might begin to feel stronger once the chemo is out of her system, but that Dr. Cole wanted her to start with Hospice. I did just what I wasn't supposed to do. I laid on top of her and sobbed. I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't handling this like I should be for her. We both cried. She is telling ME that it will be alright. That's my mom.
Andrea from Hospice came right away. I think that was wonderful because it didn't give Mom time to think about it. She said Hospice is there to care for the terminally ill. She said generally they are looking at a six month period for a patient, but she also said that often someone on Hospice gets better and dismisses them. I just can't imagine what is going through Mom's mind as she hears all of this. Andrea went over everything Hospice would do, and wouldn't do. They will do everything in their power to make Mom comfortable, from providing equipment for comfort, to administering medicine to keep her from pain. They won't put Mom on life support to prolong her life since she has a DNR order. Mom is free to leave her home while on Hospice. Hospice is available to us 24/7. They have volunteers who can come by just to talk, to help, or to relieve me if I have to run an errand. They will bathe Mom if she wishes. She asked if there was anything we needed at this time. I had suggested to Mom a couple of days ago that a bedside potty might be helpful and at that time Mom was opposed to it. I asked her today if she'd like that and she said yes.
Andrea told Mom that she could take a couple of days to digest everything and then decide if she wanted to enroll in the program. Mom told her that she was ready today to enroll, so she did. But then Mom said, "I am going to fight to the end." Andrea said she would love it if we called her and told her we didn't need Hospice right now. She is such a kind and positive person, with a caring spirit. It takes someone very special to do what she does.
There is so much more to write about this day, but I can't right now.
Amanda called and said that Dr. Cole said I could either bring Mom into her office today, or have our local Hospice come to the home and evaluate her. Hospice. There is that name that confirms the end is probably near. Thank God I was back in Mom's closet so she couldn't hear the sobs. I got myself together and asked Mom which she wanted to do. She said she didn't feel like going to Dr. Cole's office and it was fine if Hospice came to evaluate her for Dr. Cole.
I called my dear friend, Karen, at Hospice. It was wonderful to hear her friendly voice answer the phone as I was so nervous and upset, and I knew she'd understand. Karen connected me to Andrea, a nurse, and I explained Mom's situation to her. Andrea said that if Dr. Cole was going to continue treatment, then Mom wasn't a candidate for Hospice. She suggested I call Dr. Cole and talk it over with her.
I called Amanda again at Dr. Cole's office and told Amanda that I just didn't know what to do. I told her what Andrea at Hospice had said and that I needed to know if Dr. Cole thought Mom should continue chemo treatments. She was going to talk to Dr. Cole and call me back.
Amanda called and said that Dr. Cole said that they were going to stop the treatments. That answered my question. Now I had to tell Mom.
I thought I had myself together, went out to the living room where Mom was sitting...and went to pieces. I told her the news wasn't good. Dr. Cole is going to stop her treatments. I told her that she might begin to feel stronger once the chemo is out of her system, but that Dr. Cole wanted her to start with Hospice. I did just what I wasn't supposed to do. I laid on top of her and sobbed. I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't handling this like I should be for her. We both cried. She is telling ME that it will be alright. That's my mom.
Andrea from Hospice came right away. I think that was wonderful because it didn't give Mom time to think about it. She said Hospice is there to care for the terminally ill. She said generally they are looking at a six month period for a patient, but she also said that often someone on Hospice gets better and dismisses them. I just can't imagine what is going through Mom's mind as she hears all of this. Andrea went over everything Hospice would do, and wouldn't do. They will do everything in their power to make Mom comfortable, from providing equipment for comfort, to administering medicine to keep her from pain. They won't put Mom on life support to prolong her life since she has a DNR order. Mom is free to leave her home while on Hospice. Hospice is available to us 24/7. They have volunteers who can come by just to talk, to help, or to relieve me if I have to run an errand. They will bathe Mom if she wishes. She asked if there was anything we needed at this time. I had suggested to Mom a couple of days ago that a bedside potty might be helpful and at that time Mom was opposed to it. I asked her today if she'd like that and she said yes.
Andrea told Mom that she could take a couple of days to digest everything and then decide if she wanted to enroll in the program. Mom told her that she was ready today to enroll, so she did. But then Mom said, "I am going to fight to the end." Andrea said she would love it if we called her and told her we didn't need Hospice right now. She is such a kind and positive person, with a caring spirit. It takes someone very special to do what she does.
There is so much more to write about this day, but I can't right now.
Monday, September 14, 2009
September 14, 2009
I found Mom in her bathroom this morning crying. She couldn't move. I ran out and got her little wheelchair out of the van and brought it in. She didn't dress today. She was so pitiful. I took her out to her chair and again, we cried together. I wish I had taped everything she said. She said she knows she will never get strong again and this is the end. She is so worried that she is taking me away from my family. It hurts her so much that she can't do things on her own. She said she wants to be able to jump in the car and go buy cards to send to her friends and family for their birthdays. She is too weak to even write the cards. I told her I would do it for her, but it's not the same, she says. She said she should be in the nursing home, but I told her that isn't going to happen. I pray those are true words. I want her to live out her life in the home she loves so very much. Mom has always been on the go. She WOULD just jump in the car and run here and there. She loved it. She loved seeing people. She loved caring for her home, and caring for others. She never stopped.
I just took her to the bathroom in the chair and it broke her heart that she had to be pushed to the bathroom in her own home. "It should never come to this", she said. I told her to enjoy it for now...that it's only temporary and she'll be back on her feet when she's finished with chemo. I wish I believed that.
It's 10:00 a.m. and she's asleep now. Hopefully the rest of the day will be better. It seems mornings are tougher for her, in terms of emotions. I'll see if i can't get some laughter out of her! We need David! He always makes her laugh!
I made arrangements today to have a ramp built in the garage as I know Mom isn't able to maneuver the steps right now. David did come by and brighten up our day, though. Evidently our dogs got into a skirmish with a skunk last night and David had to play referee!
Mom walked with her walker to the kitchen to eat supper, ate only 2 bites, then I had to take her back with the wheelchair. She isn't eating much at all and that isn't helping her weakness. She slept in her chair most of the evening. Poor thing.
There were tears at both ends of the day today, but the tears at night were only mine. I tucked Mom into bed, gave her a kiss good night, and thought, how the roles have reversed.
I just took her to the bathroom in the chair and it broke her heart that she had to be pushed to the bathroom in her own home. "It should never come to this", she said. I told her to enjoy it for now...that it's only temporary and she'll be back on her feet when she's finished with chemo. I wish I believed that.
It's 10:00 a.m. and she's asleep now. Hopefully the rest of the day will be better. It seems mornings are tougher for her, in terms of emotions. I'll see if i can't get some laughter out of her! We need David! He always makes her laugh!
I made arrangements today to have a ramp built in the garage as I know Mom isn't able to maneuver the steps right now. David did come by and brighten up our day, though. Evidently our dogs got into a skirmish with a skunk last night and David had to play referee!
Mom walked with her walker to the kitchen to eat supper, ate only 2 bites, then I had to take her back with the wheelchair. She isn't eating much at all and that isn't helping her weakness. She slept in her chair most of the evening. Poor thing.
There were tears at both ends of the day today, but the tears at night were only mine. I tucked Mom into bed, gave her a kiss good night, and thought, how the roles have reversed.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
September 13, 2009
Saturday, September 12, Mom seemed just okay. Krista and I went to the county fair that evening to watch our cousin's little girls show a lamb and Mom did well while we were gone.
Sunday, September 13, Krista called me after she left Mom's for home and was crying. Mom's back was hurting quite a bit and Krista thought she looked pale and seemed weak. I got to Mom's shortly after Kris left and Mom was sitting at the counter eating. She was pale, but I've seen her look worse. She said her back was starting to feel better.
As the day went on, she got weaker. It was difficult for her to get to the bathroom (which is 20 steps for me). By the time we went to bed, I knew we were going to have to do something different tomorrow.
Sunday, September 13, Krista called me after she left Mom's for home and was crying. Mom's back was hurting quite a bit and Krista thought she looked pale and seemed weak. I got to Mom's shortly after Kris left and Mom was sitting at the counter eating. She was pale, but I've seen her look worse. She said her back was starting to feel better.
As the day went on, she got weaker. It was difficult for her to get to the bathroom (which is 20 steps for me). By the time we went to bed, I knew we were going to have to do something different tomorrow.
Friday, September 11, 2009
September 11, 2009
Yvonne, the chemo nurse, told us that the second day after her chemo treatment might be a rough one. But, Mom actually feels pretty good today! I know I keep saying this, but I am SOOO proud of how she pushes on!
September 10, 2009
This morning was a tearful morning for Mom and me. She had been up and struggling before I woke up. She was upset because she felt worse, instead of better, and feels like she is going backward. We talked again about what we learned yesterday...that there will be bad days before the good days come. I try so hard not to cry when she cries, but I felt so sorry for her this morning. It's noon now and she's doing better.
Krista is coming today and that will be good for Mom.
Krista is coming today and that will be good for Mom.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
9/9/9
Today we arrived at Dr. Cole's office at around 2:00 for her first chemotherapy treatment. David was with us and I was grateful for that. He always cheers things up! But actually, I didn't feel that Mom was very nervous. It's daunting, however, when you go in and see all of the patients hooked up for their regimen.
Mom got in her recliner and they started to work with her. They were all in shock at the redness of her skin from the tape from the port. She had told them yesterday at BVH that she was allergic to latex and they used paper tape and she still had irritation from the paper tape. I wonder if it's something in the adhesive. They told us to put Bacitraycin all over the redness and to watch it.
Mom's nurse was Yvonne Ewing and she was so kind. She hooked Benadryl up to relax her, an anti-nausea drug and saline solution. When the saline was empty, she started the Torisel through there.
We were there two hours, and after about an hour and a half Mom started to get antsy. That had been a long time for her to sit still in a chair. But she made it! When she was getting the Benadryl, Yvonne was explaining everything to us so Mom listened and didn't rest. I told her the next time to just relax and let herself rest, or sleep, and that it wouldn't seem as long. All in all, I thought she did so well!
Mom got in her recliner and they started to work with her. They were all in shock at the redness of her skin from the tape from the port. She had told them yesterday at BVH that she was allergic to latex and they used paper tape and she still had irritation from the paper tape. I wonder if it's something in the adhesive. They told us to put Bacitraycin all over the redness and to watch it.
Mom's nurse was Yvonne Ewing and she was so kind. She hooked Benadryl up to relax her, an anti-nausea drug and saline solution. When the saline was empty, she started the Torisel through there.
We were there two hours, and after about an hour and a half Mom started to get antsy. That had been a long time for her to sit still in a chair. But she made it! When she was getting the Benadryl, Yvonne was explaining everything to us so Mom listened and didn't rest. I told her the next time to just relax and let herself rest, or sleep, and that it wouldn't seem as long. All in all, I thought she did so well!
Tuesday, September 08, 2009
September 8, 2009
Mom had to be at Blanchard Valley Hospital at 12:30 to have a port put in for intravenous medicine. She was so nervous about it. They finally took her back around 2:15 and she was finished in about an hour. She had a very tiny incision in her neck, which was closed with glue, and the port incision. They said she got along very well and she enjoyed the nurses who took care of her.
When we got home, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get her in the house. I learned to keep my cell phone on me in case I need help. She was upset because she couldn't get her legs to move up the stairs. She was sort of frantic, so I tried to just calm her and we waited until she could do it.
She's very comfortable and resting in her favorite chair now. Tomorrow is her first Torisel treatment at Dr. Cole's office. I pray that goes well for her.
When we got home, I wasn't sure I was going to be able to get her in the house. I learned to keep my cell phone on me in case I need help. She was upset because she couldn't get her legs to move up the stairs. She was sort of frantic, so I tried to just calm her and we waited until she could do it.
She's very comfortable and resting in her favorite chair now. Tomorrow is her first Torisel treatment at Dr. Cole's office. I pray that goes well for her.
Sunday, September 06, 2009
September 6, 2009
Mom and I had such a nice day today. We rode around Indian Lake for about five hours! We went through the DQ drive-thru and then took our food to the state park, ate and watched the seagulls and the people. She really enjoyed it and the weather couldn't have been more perfect for the Labor Day weekend festivities.
Friday, September 04, 2009
September 4, 2009
Overall, today was a good day for Mom. She got her hair done and we ate at Brunson's. She's always happy to eat there with her brother, Joe.
My cousin, Tami, called Mom today and I got to talk quite awhile with her. Her mom and dad, died 5 years ago, just months apart from cancer. My aunt found out in July that she had it and died October 31. My uncle found out just weeks after my aunt died that he had esophogeal cancer and died January 6. I told Tami that I've thought about her, her sister, Deb, and brother, Scott, so much during the past few months. My aunt and uncle were in their early 60's, very young. I could talk to my aunt on the phone, but I just couldn't bring myself to go visit her. I was so frightened by the situation. I couldn't imagine it being anything but complete sadness, and I knew I'd cry and didn't want to make her cry, so I stayed away. I remember Deb telling me at her funeral that she wished I would have come to see her mom. I explained why I hadn't been there and she said, "She would have made you laugh!" I didn't see how that could happen. Oh, I've learned so much through this journey with Mom! And, I see this happening with people who know Mom, too. I've been asked several times if she cries all the time. I say, "NO!! We laugh most of the time!"... and I see the surprise in their expressions...just like mine when Deb said that to me. It just seems impossible. But I have learned an important lesson. Don't stay away from someone who is seriously ill. They need company and they need laughter. I wish I'd have known sooner.
My cousin, Tami, called Mom today and I got to talk quite awhile with her. Her mom and dad, died 5 years ago, just months apart from cancer. My aunt found out in July that she had it and died October 31. My uncle found out just weeks after my aunt died that he had esophogeal cancer and died January 6. I told Tami that I've thought about her, her sister, Deb, and brother, Scott, so much during the past few months. My aunt and uncle were in their early 60's, very young. I could talk to my aunt on the phone, but I just couldn't bring myself to go visit her. I was so frightened by the situation. I couldn't imagine it being anything but complete sadness, and I knew I'd cry and didn't want to make her cry, so I stayed away. I remember Deb telling me at her funeral that she wished I would have come to see her mom. I explained why I hadn't been there and she said, "She would have made you laugh!" I didn't see how that could happen. Oh, I've learned so much through this journey with Mom! And, I see this happening with people who know Mom, too. I've been asked several times if she cries all the time. I say, "NO!! We laugh most of the time!"... and I see the surprise in their expressions...just like mine when Deb said that to me. It just seems impossible. But I have learned an important lesson. Don't stay away from someone who is seriously ill. They need company and they need laughter. I wish I'd have known sooner.
Thursday, September 03, 2009
September 3, 2009
Mom has her first appointment with Dr. Cole this afternoon. Janet is going with us and I'm so thankful for that. We go back to the room shortly after we get there and Dr. Cole comes right in. I think that's good because it didn't give Mom a lot of time to be apprehensive. Dr. Cole is very unassuming and immediately makes us feel comfortable. She briefly looks through Mom's charts and then begins to question her living arrangements. We tell her that I am with her all the time with the exception of some nights when her grandson, Matt, is with her. She questioned whose son Matt is. Why are you in a wheel chair? Are you driving? Are you eating? Do you have a living will? Have you lost weight? All the questions we have answered over and over to the myriad of doctors we've seen.
When we were at the Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Rini, told us that the report from the CT scan at Lima stated Mom has Papillary Renal Cell Carcinoma. He was perplexed by this as she had Clear Cell RCC 13 years ago and felt it was a recurrence of that kind of cancer. Evidently, Dr. Rini, did research of his own, and collaborated with another physician and changed the final diagnosis to Clear Cell Renal Cell Carcinoma.
Dr. Cole agreed with Dr. Rini's recommendation of the drug treatment Torisel. She notices the veins in her hands and tells her she would rather have a port put in her chest. She refers to Torisel as a chemo drug and we told her that Dr. Rini said it wasn't chemo and called it an anti-cancer drug. She responded by saying it has to be administered by a chemo technician. She assures Mom that she won't lose her hair, and the likelihood of her being nauseated is low. She recommends treatment every other week, rather than weekly.
We leave and we all agree Dr. Cole is very personable and kind. Mom is very happy with her, and that's what matters the most.
Janet suggests we eat at Mom's favorite restaurant, Red Lobster, and boy does Mom eat!! She ate a double shrimp dinner, two rolls, mashed potatoes and half a salad! They also weighed Mom at Dr. Coles and she weighed 145, so she's not lost any weight in the past couple of weeks. I can see why! LOL
We're home now and she's very weak and tired from her big day out, but she keeps saying how much she enjoyed it. She's such a trooper.
When we were at the Cleveland Clinic, Dr. Rini, told us that the report from the CT scan at Lima stated Mom has Papillary Renal Cell Carcinoma. He was perplexed by this as she had Clear Cell RCC 13 years ago and felt it was a recurrence of that kind of cancer. Evidently, Dr. Rini, did research of his own, and collaborated with another physician and changed the final diagnosis to Clear Cell Renal Cell Carcinoma.
Dr. Cole agreed with Dr. Rini's recommendation of the drug treatment Torisel. She notices the veins in her hands and tells her she would rather have a port put in her chest. She refers to Torisel as a chemo drug and we told her that Dr. Rini said it wasn't chemo and called it an anti-cancer drug. She responded by saying it has to be administered by a chemo technician. She assures Mom that she won't lose her hair, and the likelihood of her being nauseated is low. She recommends treatment every other week, rather than weekly.
We leave and we all agree Dr. Cole is very personable and kind. Mom is very happy with her, and that's what matters the most.
Janet suggests we eat at Mom's favorite restaurant, Red Lobster, and boy does Mom eat!! She ate a double shrimp dinner, two rolls, mashed potatoes and half a salad! They also weighed Mom at Dr. Coles and she weighed 145, so she's not lost any weight in the past couple of weeks. I can see why! LOL
We're home now and she's very weak and tired from her big day out, but she keeps saying how much she enjoyed it. She's such a trooper.
Wednesday, September 02, 2009
September 2, 2009
Good day, bad day, good day, bad day. It seems we might have a pattern here. I'll take it this way as long as the bad days don't outnumber the good days. Today isn't a good day. Mom seems weaker and looks very pale to me. I show her my post of September 1st and reiterate how proud I am of her. She says that she just doesn't want to get like her mother was....bedridden. Since this is a probable likelihood, I tell her that is most likely what we all have ahead of us, except for unusual circumstances. I hope that satisfies her for now.
Joyce comes from church and gives her communion. This is a good day for that.
Joyce comes from church and gives her communion. This is a good day for that.
Tuesday, September 01, 2009
September 1, 2009
Today is a new day and a great day! Mom is alert and stronger again. Today she's back to her normal self of wanting to get around and do things. She is just not happy to have me, or anyone else, do things for her. I'm proud of her self sufficient nature. It amazes me, and pulls on my heart strings when I watch her do something that is so easy for me to do, yet she pushes and struggles and tries so hard to do things herself. She keeps her home in perfect order, her body is always clean, she is always dressed...right down to having her makeup and lipstick on. When she has to go to the beauty salon at 8:00 in the morning, she gets up at 5:00 a.m. so she can get herself ready to go. I'm so proud of her!
After I pick her up from having her hair done, we take a ride to Ada, then go to the DQ for her favorite lunch. She loves riding in the car and seeing what's 'happenin'! Often friends will come to the car and visit with her and she loves that! Today, George Smith came over and chatted awhile.
It's been a wonderful day and my heart just bursts with pride as I watch her push ahead.
After I pick her up from having her hair done, we take a ride to Ada, then go to the DQ for her favorite lunch. She loves riding in the car and seeing what's 'happenin'! Often friends will come to the car and visit with her and she loves that! Today, George Smith came over and chatted awhile.
It's been a wonderful day and my heart just bursts with pride as I watch her push ahead.
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