September 22, 2009

Happy Birthday Krista!

I have to go back to last night.  After our 'Good Night's' and 'I Love You's', I could hear Mom crying.  I went over and asked her why she was crying and she said, "Because you are so good to me".  This is not because everyone else isn't good to her, it's because she worries so much that she is taking me away from my family.  Mike and the boys have been so supportive during this time and it's where I want to be and am blessed that I am able to be here, and that's what I told her.

Then she said through her tears, "I'm fighting to the end, but I have a pretty good feeling I'm losing this battle."  I just rubbed her face and told her I was so proud of her.  It was such a heart breaking moment.  I told her I was very much at peace with death and that God will be waiting on her, as will Dad, her parents, and many friends, and she said, "and Jerri and Jug".  She has missed them so much. 

Then she said she wished there was some way she could communicate with me when she's gone.  So we discussed a signal that we would have between us.  She said she wouldn't know how that could work but I told her....it will, and she smiled.

She rested for a few hours but then was very restless in bed.  She said her whole body itched and she just couldn't stand it anymore.  She said she is so tired of being in the bed , and she is ready to go now.  I gave her a Phenergan that Dr. Cole gave her for itching, rubbed lotion on her arms and feet, and she still couldn't settle down.  At 6:30 I called Mike to come in so I could sit her up, wash her, put powder on her back, and put on a clean blouse, and scoot her up to a more comfortable position in bed. 

It's almost 8:30 now and she's sleeping.  I left a note on the door to Joyce that Mom would be asleep this morning.  I know Joyce will understand.

She is still not having a lot of urine output, but to me, her breathing sounds good.  I can see that she is getting thinner and thinner.  I hope Hospice comes today.  I think I need them daily now.

It's 9:00 and Mom is so uncomfortable.  I called Hospice and spoke with Cindy and she is coming to the house.  I took the note off the door to Joyce because we need her.  When she got here I met her on the porch and was extremely upset and she was so comforting.  Cindy also came with a hug.  Cindy checked Mom over and noticed so many bruises on her legs and arms.  When I thought about it, Mom shouldn't have new bruises because she's not moving and bumping into things.  Her BP 128/52.  I went out on the porch and talked to Cindy quite awhile.  She said she is real concerned about the bruising.  She said it could indicate liver failure.  I noted that her BP was good and she said it could drop rapidly.  I told her I wasn't sure what to tell Krista in Chicago and she suggested she come now.  She said it could be 2 hours, or 2 days, but was imminent.

Krista is on her way, she left immediately.  I feel horrible that today is her birthday and she has to face this.  Joyce reminded me to tell her, or David (tomorrow is his birthday), not to remember losing Mom/Grandma on their birthday, but to think of her going into God's glorious heaven to be with our loved ones we've lost.  I think that is awesome.  But that's Joyce...she has such a way with God's word it's amazing.  That's why I knew we needed her today.

Kathy came right over when I called her.  Aunt Ruth Ann, Aunt Janet and Charlene came and visited for a short time. Today Charlene said that she and Mom have been friends for 50 years.  I know our families shared wonderful times together growing up, and Mom loves her, too.  It's hard, though, at this point for Mom to stay awake to visit.   AJ said she could see a difference in Mom for the first time.   Once again, Eddie, the mail carrier, brought Mom her mail and he always comes in and hands it to her.  He knows that she doesn't like to see who it is from before she reads the cards, so he hands her the cards upside down!  He is the BEST!  He cried again as he left.

When Krista got here Mom felt like she had to have a bowel movement.  We tried the bedpan, but it was too painful for her so we got her up on the bedside commode.  While she sat there we quickely changed all her bedding.  She didn't have any success, but got to lay back down in a nice fresh bed.

Krista got here at 3:00 and it was a surprise to Mom.  She told Mom she wanted to come and spend her birthday with her.  I don't know if she bought that or not...but I know Mom is happy she is here.  Krista said she sees a huge difference in Mom just from Sunday.  It's hard not to see the change, as it changes almost hourly.

I knew what I wanted Mom to wear for her burial so I got that together today and checked with the girls to see if it was okay with them.  It is just too inconceivable to be doing this.  Sometimes it just seems like I'm walking around in a fog.

Annette came over today and we're always happy to see her as she's funny and makes us laugh and forget things for awhile!  A little later Linda came by just to check on Mom.

Mom sleeps all the time now.  She opens her eyes for a moment, sometimes says things that show confusion, but often says things that amaze us at her memory.  I think that is a blessing for her.

We ordered pizza in and Mom ate five bites of it which was quite a bit for her, but Kris had to feed her.

Lisa called later and we talked quite a while.  She feels that Mom is in liver failure.  The bruising and itching is a result of that.  She said since the tumor is where her kidney used to be, it most likely has invaded the liver and is spreading quite quickly.  We talked about what to look for and expect.  She said unconsciousness is inevitable but that we need to know that hearing is the last sense to go.  She said to talk as we always do, and let the little ones talk, laugh, and have fun, as Mom will be listening, but unable to respond. I mentioned that she was having a few muscle spasms, and she said that is normal near the end.   Her restlessness and fidgeting is, too.  I asked her how long she might lay after she is unconscious and she said usually in older people, it's not too long.

Tina and the kids got to Grandma's at 2:00 a.m.

I want to thank all of you again who are leaving beautiful and inspiring comments and emails.  Right now I don't have time to thank you individually, but PLEASE know that we all THANK YOU for your kind words and love you for them.  You are what keep us going through these tough days.