September 15, 2009

I knew that I had to call Dr. Cole this morning, but I didn't anticipate what all would come to be.  I spoke to Amanda, the chemo nurse, and told her that Mom had gotten extremely weak over the weekend.  That I was taking her by w/c to the bathroom, and it was even difficult to get her from the chair to the toilet.  I also mentioned that she isn't eating much.  I told her that what I really wanted to know was is this from the chemo, or the disease.  She said that it was probably a combination of both, but that the chemo shouldn't have caused her to be that weak in itself.  She was going to talk to Dr. Cole and call me back.

Amanda called and said that Dr. Cole said I could either bring Mom into her office today, or have our local Hospice come to the home and evaluate her.  Hospice.  There is that name that confirms the end is probably near.  Thank God I was back in Mom's closet so she couldn't hear the sobs.  I got myself together and asked Mom which she wanted to do.  She said she didn't feel like going to Dr. Cole's office and it was fine if Hospice came to evaluate her for Dr. Cole.

I called my dear friend, Karen, at Hospice.  It was wonderful to hear her friendly voice answer the phone as I was so nervous and upset, and I knew she'd understand.  Karen connected me to Andrea, a nurse, and I explained Mom's situation to her.  Andrea said that if Dr. Cole was going to continue treatment, then Mom wasn't a candidate for Hospice.  She suggested I call Dr. Cole and talk it over with her. 

I called Amanda again at Dr. Cole's office and told Amanda that I just didn't know what to do.  I told her what Andrea at Hospice had said and that I needed to know if Dr. Cole thought Mom should continue chemo treatments.  She was going to talk to Dr. Cole and call me back.

Amanda called and said that Dr. Cole said that they were going to stop the treatments.  That answered my question.  Now I had to tell Mom.

I thought I had myself together, went out to the living room where Mom was sitting...and went to pieces.  I told her the news wasn't good.  Dr. Cole is going to stop her treatments.  I told her that she might begin to feel stronger once the chemo is out of her system, but that Dr. Cole wanted her to start with Hospice.  I did just what I wasn't supposed to do.  I laid on top of her and sobbed.  I told her that I was sorry that I wasn't handling this like I should be for her.  We both cried.  She is telling ME that it will be alright.  That's my mom.

Andrea from Hospice came right away.  I think that was wonderful because it didn't give Mom time to think about it.  She said Hospice is there to care for the terminally ill.  She said generally they are looking at a six month period for a patient, but she also said that often someone on Hospice gets better and dismisses them.  I just can't imagine what is going through Mom's mind as she hears all of this.  Andrea went over everything Hospice would do, and wouldn't do.  They will do everything in their power to make Mom comfortable, from providing equipment for comfort, to administering medicine to keep her from pain.  They won't put Mom on life support to prolong her life since she has a DNR order.  Mom is free to leave her home while on Hospice.  Hospice is available to us 24/7.  They have volunteers who can come by just to talk, to help, or to relieve me if I have to run an errand.  They will bathe Mom if she wishes.  She asked if there was anything we needed at this time.  I had suggested to Mom a couple of days ago that a bedside potty might be helpful and at that time Mom was opposed to it.  I asked her today if she'd like that and she said yes.

Andrea told Mom that she could take a couple of days to digest everything and then decide if she wanted to enroll in the program.  Mom told her that she was ready today to enroll, so she did.  But then Mom said, "I am going to fight to the end."  Andrea said she would love it if we called her and told her we didn't need Hospice right now.  She is such a kind and positive person, with a caring spirit.  It takes someone very special to do what she does.

There is so much more to write about this day, but I can't right now.