September 14, 2009

I found Mom in her bathroom this morning crying.  She couldn't move.  I ran out and got her little wheelchair out of the van and brought it in.  She didn't dress today.  She was so pitiful.  I took her out to her chair and again, we cried together.  I wish I had taped everything she said.  She said she knows she will never get strong again and this is the end.  She is so worried that she is taking me away from my family.  It hurts her so much that she can't do things on her own.  She said she wants to be able to jump in the car and go buy cards to send to her friends and family for their birthdays.  She is too weak to even write the cards.  I told her I would do it for her, but it's not the same, she says.  She said she should be in the nursing home, but I told her that isn't going to happen.  I pray those are true words.  I want her to live out her life in the home she loves so very much.  Mom has always been on the go.  She WOULD just jump in the car and run here and there.  She loved it.  She loved seeing people.  She loved caring for her home, and caring for others.  She never stopped. 

I just took her to the bathroom in the chair and it broke her heart that she had to be pushed to the bathroom in her own home.  "It should never come to this", she said.  I told her to enjoy it for now...that it's only temporary and she'll be back on her feet when she's finished with chemo.  I wish I believed that.

It's 10:00 a.m. and she's asleep now.  Hopefully the rest of the day will be better.  It seems mornings are tougher for her, in terms of emotions.  I'll see if i can't get some laughter out of her!  We need David!  He always makes her laugh!

I made arrangements today to have a ramp built in the garage as I know Mom isn't able to maneuver the steps right now.  David did come by and brighten up our day, though.  Evidently our dogs got into a skirmish with a skunk last night and David had to play referee!

Mom walked with her walker to the kitchen to eat supper, ate only 2 bites, then I had to take her back with the wheelchair.  She isn't eating much at all and that isn't helping her weakness.  She slept in her chair most of the evening.  Poor thing.

There were tears at both ends of the day today, but the tears at night were only mine.  I tucked Mom into bed, gave her a kiss good night, and thought, how the roles have reversed.